Tag Archives: regret

east to west

When I am drowning in my sorrows and filled with the muck that ones life can bring I am reminded about the forgiveness in which I believe in.  This morning this song came on and I love the words and the meaning.  You can go east forever without going west and west forever without going east.  THAT is how far my sins, shortcomings, regret, pain, guilt, shame, and everything else has been cast from me.

Psalm 103:12  As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

choose to live

IMG_4918_picnik

On our way to Minnesota I saw this billboard…

“Smile!  Your mother was pro life”

I am thankful that my mother was.  I have letters from my father when my mother was pregnant with me and there were discussions on what they should do.  My fathers words were basically no way would abortion be an option.  Being that it was in 1974 (ok, you can calculate if you want :)) it might have seemed like the easy way out.  But they chose life.

I think about all that have chose life, I dare say none have regretted that choice.  But the simple choice I made leaves unending regret.

But please KNOW that through this regret, I am able to find redemption over and over again.  I feel it when I talk with other women in my shoes.  I see it when I can help someone else make an informed decision.

I choose to LIVE each and every day I have left.

the battle within

Anger flies in on a gentle breeze when I least expect it. It doesn’t announce its silent mission. It penetrates the barriers I have put up. What I thought was a fortress, it easily demolishes. The warriors that have sworn to protect have fallen. It darkens my soul and my countenance easily wavers.

There is anger at the loss, anger at those involved, anger at the situation. But most of all there is anger at myself. I envision a character standing above, pointing a bony finger at me. “You chose incorrectly.” And I know I did. The pain and truth of the words cut through me severing my paths of what could have been. I am doomed to a life of imprisonment.

Anger comes and goes. Years of emptiness inside a tomb I created. Regret. Shame. Pain. They are the scars that come from the choice I have to bear. I am told I shouldn’t feel this way. I am told that it was a simple procedure. But my heart knows differently. My heart wants to feel the loss, but my mind contradicts. So the battle ensues.

White light crashes. It pierces the darkness. I feel the warmth. But cannot adjust my eyes to its brilliance. The truth seeps into the crevices of my soul, the empty places that have been broken open. Healing. Hope. Love. The two forces collide and the battle continues. The darkness cannot hide. The light penetrates.

The Great Exchange: Truth for lies. Freedom for the captive. Beauty instead of ashes. Gladness instead of mourning. Restoration instead of devastation.

What could I do? How can I repay? Nothing. Just love, forgive as I have forgiven and loved you.

from grief to the great exchange

This week we are preparing for our weekend retreat.  At this point in our journey we have gone through so many emotions.  Self-hatred, anger, forgiveness, shame, regret, pain (to name a few).

This is always my favorite part of the journey.  It is truly where healing begins and we shed the skin of our former self and become the women we were meant to be.  Healthy and whole.

We exchange our failures, pain, and shame for God’s purpose, love and restoration.  I think most importantly we are given permission to grieve.  We grieve all that we lost and because it was our choice we don’t feel like we have that right.  But we do.  We need to grieve.

We replace the lies that we were told, lies that we have told ourselves with God’s truth.  A complete transformation.

The Great Exchange!

Isaiah 61: 1-4,7

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion —
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
they will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations
Instead of their shame
my people will received a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs.