Tag Archives: pain

east to west

When I am drowning in my sorrows and filled with the muck that ones life can bring I am reminded about the forgiveness in which I believe in.  This morning this song came on and I love the words and the meaning.  You can go east forever without going west and west forever without going east.  THAT is how far my sins, shortcomings, regret, pain, guilt, shame, and everything else has been cast from me.

Psalm 103:12  As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

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don’t weep for me

photo

It is true, I don’t have children.  I sometimes wonder what it would have been like.  I remember when I bought my house (it’s next to a school).  I thought maybe one day I would have a child and I could stay home and walk them to school and pick them up.  I could have warm cookies waiting from time to time.  See their smiles light up their face as they wipe off their milk mustache.

I know its not all sunshine and cookies, but I imagine there must be some reward or why would so many of you decide to have children and more than one.  🙂

There is a sorrow inside me that won’t go away.  It’s more of a dull ache that remains.  Like when the cold weather brings on the tenderness of old joints, I too have seasons of my life where this pain is more prominent than usual.

Don’t weep for me.  There is joy in my future when I will be reunited with my Rebekah Hope, of that I am sure.

less like scars

 

and more like character…

the battle within

Anger flies in on a gentle breeze when I least expect it. It doesn’t announce its silent mission. It penetrates the barriers I have put up. What I thought was a fortress, it easily demolishes. The warriors that have sworn to protect have fallen. It darkens my soul and my countenance easily wavers.

There is anger at the loss, anger at those involved, anger at the situation. But most of all there is anger at myself. I envision a character standing above, pointing a bony finger at me. “You chose incorrectly.” And I know I did. The pain and truth of the words cut through me severing my paths of what could have been. I am doomed to a life of imprisonment.

Anger comes and goes. Years of emptiness inside a tomb I created. Regret. Shame. Pain. They are the scars that come from the choice I have to bear. I am told I shouldn’t feel this way. I am told that it was a simple procedure. But my heart knows differently. My heart wants to feel the loss, but my mind contradicts. So the battle ensues.

White light crashes. It pierces the darkness. I feel the warmth. But cannot adjust my eyes to its brilliance. The truth seeps into the crevices of my soul, the empty places that have been broken open. Healing. Hope. Love. The two forces collide and the battle continues. The darkness cannot hide. The light penetrates.

The Great Exchange: Truth for lies. Freedom for the captive. Beauty instead of ashes. Gladness instead of mourning. Restoration instead of devastation.

What could I do? How can I repay? Nothing. Just love, forgive as I have forgiven and loved you.

i’m coming out of my shell! (look out!)

 

I think I have grown a lot this past week.  When real life slaps you in the face I think growth tends to follow.

It’s painful.

If I look back in my life the largest growth came out of some wretched moments that I gasp and feel the pain for a moment.  Then I remember I am past that and the peace flows through.  I wonder how I survived.  But I did.  I am here to shout about it.

So don’t give up.  I could spout that the light is at the end of the tunnel, or that the sun always comes up in the morning.  But you know that.  When you are in the thick of it all you can’t see past it.  So don’t.  Remember it.  Because when you are finally past it and look back, you will see how far you’ve come.  It can also keep you from repeating those mistakes.

Experience life.  Don’t hide in your shell.

where hope floats

I have been reminded this weekend on many fronts of the importance of community and our stories.  The word of our testimony.

We. Each. Have. One.

We all have a story to tell, a story that can help someone.

It’s easy to become complacent and think your story couldn’t possibly help another soul and then I find myself in a group of ladies who are all post abortive.  They are unsure of me as I am unsure of them.  Our stories can be ugly and hard.  There are tears, bitterness, regret and plenty more tears.

I don’t want them to look at me and think she must have it all together.  It’s a good disguise, but it can only last as long as I open my mouth and the truth pours out.  I love the part where the girls relax because they know I have been where they are.  I have seen the depths of darkness.  I have felt the pain and shame that comes from abortion.

I think when we break down our walls and are vulnerable with each other our hope floats and it meets others where they are and where they need it.  Our stories intertwine and like ripples in a pond after you throw the first pebble they fan out over and over again.

Maybe just maybe I am a little better now because I also met someone that was vulnerable and told me I have been where you are.  I felt their pain and my pain but I also saw hope.

We all need a little hope.

PS…here are some of the amazing, beautiful stories I read this weekend…

Beth Moore’s Sister

OneThousandSingleDays

purpose

I am reminded once again how such a curse in my life turned into a blessing.

I know it sounds strange, but in some ways I am thankful to be able to relate to other women that have had an abortion.  To be able to say I have been there and you will be ok.  Yes it’s not easy, yes it will always be there.  But…you are not alone.  What you are feeling is normal.  There is healing on the other side.  There is hope.

I have met so many beautiful people and I don’t mean just on the outside, but on the inside.  Beautiful women that one desperate choice left them hurting and alone in their pain and shame.

There are a lot of things we do out of fear.  I want to conquer that fear with every woman I talk with.

I pray I honor my child with every woman I meet.