Tag Archives: loss

loss of control

peru5

When you have an abortion, you feel the loss of control.  You lost control over what happened to your body when the life was sucked taken from you.  You didn’t realize what was going to happen, how you were going to feel.

They didn’t tell you what might happen with your emotions.  Their only words were: it’s only tissue, its a simple procedure, you will be fine, your life will be back to normal.

A steady cadence of lies.

Only now there is a new normal.  A post abortive normal that they never told you.  They didn’t tell you that one day you would be overcome by your grief.  That if you let it, it would swallow you up.  They didn’t tell you that anger would seep into the most unlikely places and you would end up hating yourself for what you did.  Not an easy dislike, but a deep, dark, hatred that infiltrated and poisoned my soul.

I have facilitated this study multiple times and I’m still amazed by what I learn.  This time around, I still see this loss of control and how that affected me.  I look at my life and see how I try to control every part of what happens in my bubble.  From big to little things.  I know part of it IS my personality, but a huge part of it is this loss of control I experienced with my abortion and the abuse I suffered.

I never wanted to feel that way again and so I promised myself that I would always be in control, I would never let anyone control me again.  I allowed myself to be bullied into this decision to abort (yes I still take responsibility for my choice).  But after that day, I vowed, I would be the one to decide my fate.  It will be my choice.

I am no where near as bad as I once was, but I still need work.  Healing comes in stages.  It has been over ten years into my journey and I continue to learn things about myself from that one incident over 20 years ago.

This life is a journey not a destination…

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breaking through

I am amazed at how life twists and turns.  Twenty years ago this month I would leave Michigan for what I thought would be the adventure of a life time.  It would end with what I call “the dark years” which included a lot of abuse, tears, and loss.  Any innocence I had left was lost during those years.

But like the weeds that break through those cracks in the concrete I survived.  I kept poking my head up toward the sun.  I learned a lot in those years.  Some were hard lessons, but I embrace them because they changed me and made me who I am today.

I truly believe that the years the locusts have eaten are being returned to me.  I have met many beautiful, wonderful women who are hurting from abortion.  Walking along side them melds us together and we find hope and healing in this journey.  The journey is just that…we don’t arrive, but we keep pressing on.

Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

rebekah hope

Many years after my abortion I was given the opportunity to grieve and say goodbye to my child. I think that is one of the hardest things about abortion. Society says its ok, its just a blob of tissue, its nothing. Maybe we even agreed at one time. But afterward some of us know and feel differently.

When we make this choice we feel we must live with it. And in a sense we must do just that. The reality is that when you are pregnant, next comes a baby. It’s hard to deny these facts, although we are really good at stuffing it way down. I think one of the hurdles and what took me years to realize was it was ok to grieve. It was ok to say goodbye. It was ok to let her go in a sense. At our memorial ceremony we choose a flower that best represents our child.

The flower I chose was a gerber daisy. I sit here and wonder why I chose that particular flower. It stands tall, brave, big, bright, engaging, beautiful, open, outgoing, it exudes energy.  It represents the hope, expectations, loss, love, yearning.  All that in a flower.  It is everything I am not and everything I would have hoped for in a little “me”.

share the journey

At the end of our study our challenge to these women is to share their story.

At the beginning of the journey this would seem overwhelming and impossible.  But at this stage of the journey after they have gone through the fire and have not even the scent of smoke on them.  They are compelled and desire to share the hope and restoration they found.

I think that is why I do this.  I have a deep desire to share with others, let them know they are not alone.  We are out here and we have been where you are and have done what you did.  We are healed and restored.  There is hope.

I also think its important to talk about this subject because some don’t realize the holocaust that is happening right under our noses.  Each of our stories and how we got to this point are different.  But we are the same in our heartache and shame.  It’s not all about the child.  It’s about the men and women too.  They are left broken and incomplete with this choice that society said was easy and simple.  But it wasn’t.  It broke its promise to me and to a lot of others.