Tag Archives: hope

fractured revisited

GGma 3 - Version 2

I was thinking about my last post and it’s hard to articulate the deep loss I felt that day.  It was like the tears were this sort of vomit that came from the deepest parts of me.


We are locked in our own prison, dead and dying on the inside while on the outside you would never know.


We have learned to hide it so well.  We have glued our happy mannequin mask on tight.  Living day to day…but inside there is a constant battle raging.


In my brokenness I was held captive by my thoughts that filled the empty void:  Hopelessness.  Worthlessness.  Shame.  Judgement


One day the light broke in through the darkness and mercy and grace poured on me.  Like a puzzle, God put me back together.


The picture above is a sewing table from my Great Grandmother.  The top of it was wood and was peeling from a lot of water damage.  I had a table from my other Great Grandmother that had this beautiful tile on it, but it was also broken.  I put them together and made a beautiful top for my sewing table.

It is in the fractures and wounds of my life that I have found the most beauty, growth and HOPE.

you’re not alone

I have said it many times in many ways.  You are not alone.  But then this week I heard this melody sung by Jamie Grace and she can say it more beautiful than I.

Another sleepless night
She’s looking up and crying out
He’s just a little child
Can you stop his hurting now

It’s so quiet
But she hears in the silence

His arms are holding you
His love will see you through
When you smile and you laugh but you’re fakin’
Cause you don’t know how you’re gonna make it

You feel so much pain
And you can’t see your way
You’re not alone
You’re not alone

She’s tryna plan ahead
Unsure about the time left
Can’t let these moments pass
Instead she’ll treasure what she has

And when it’s quiet
She hears in the silence

These arms are holding you
And this love will see you through
When you smile and you laugh but you’re fakin’
Cause you don’t know how you’re gonna make it

You feel so much pain
And you can’t see your way

You’re not alone
You’re not alone

His arms are holding you
His love will see you through
When you try not to cry but to take it
All the stress, and the hurt and the heartache

You may feel pain
But not as great as His name
You’re not alone
No you’re not alone

the battle within

Anger flies in on a gentle breeze when I least expect it. It doesn’t announce its silent mission. It penetrates the barriers I have put up. What I thought was a fortress, it easily demolishes. The warriors that have sworn to protect have fallen. It darkens my soul and my countenance easily wavers.

There is anger at the loss, anger at those involved, anger at the situation. But most of all there is anger at myself. I envision a character standing above, pointing a bony finger at me. “You chose incorrectly.” And I know I did. The pain and truth of the words cut through me severing my paths of what could have been. I am doomed to a life of imprisonment.

Anger comes and goes. Years of emptiness inside a tomb I created. Regret. Shame. Pain. They are the scars that come from the choice I have to bear. I am told I shouldn’t feel this way. I am told that it was a simple procedure. But my heart knows differently. My heart wants to feel the loss, but my mind contradicts. So the battle ensues.

White light crashes. It pierces the darkness. I feel the warmth. But cannot adjust my eyes to its brilliance. The truth seeps into the crevices of my soul, the empty places that have been broken open. Healing. Hope. Love. The two forces collide and the battle continues. The darkness cannot hide. The light penetrates.

The Great Exchange: Truth for lies. Freedom for the captive. Beauty instead of ashes. Gladness instead of mourning. Restoration instead of devastation.

What could I do? How can I repay? Nothing. Just love, forgive as I have forgiven and loved you.

twin lives through an abortion

This is a beautiful story…

A young girl finds herself pregnant at 13 years old.  Her mother sends her to an abortion clinic.  She has the abortion.  But finds out later that she is still pregnant.

She was carrying twins.
She chose life for the second child.

The video story is told from that child’s perspective.

more than just a child

I am privileged to work with a ministry that cares beyond the “choice”.   We understand that at the center of this there is a mother, father, and a child.  It’s more about after they have made their choice, what can we do to help them in their next step.

If she aborts we shower her with compassion, invite her to our healing groups.
If she chooses life and the circumstances are bleak we throw a shower for her.
If she needs a place to live because her family will not have her.  We have that too.  There really isn’t anything we wouldn’t do to help.

It is an honor to serve with such wonderful men and women who instead of shaming me for my choices have lavished love on me.


notes from the sidewalk


October 29, 2004
I was smart and brought a thermos.  Unfortunately I didn’t need it because it was almost 70 degrees!  It had been raining all day and it was still misting, but at least we were able to be hands free from umbrellas.  

I was driving to the clinic from work and there was a man standing on the corner selling roses.  With it being warm outside my window was rolled down.  I watched as he talked with his helper asking him to give me a rose, and then he walked over himself and also gave me a rose.  I was taken back by the sweet gesture.

I could give one to my sister when I met her at the clinic and that would cheer her up.  Then it hit me, we could give these to a couple of the girls going into the clinic.  A very small token to show them that they are worth so much more.  

It is funny how God works.

So we stood on the sidewalk,  flowers and literature in hand.  But no one was willing to talk with us today.  We left that night not handing out a single piece of literature and roses still in our hands.  We sprinkled the rose petals into the puddles and left them floating in remembrance to those souls who died and were darkened today.

multiple abortions

I was thinking the other day and it struck me.  I don’t think I have written about women who have had multiple abortions.

From some of the groups I have led, there have been plenty of women that have had multiple abortions.  I have seen the shame and heartache on their faces.  I have heard the despair in their voices when they tell us that they were only going to admit to the one abortion and keep the 2nd or 3rd a secret.  They tell me that they feel lower than a woman who has had only one abortion.

This is simply not true!

Luckily one of our leaders has had multiple abortions and also a lady on the video  we watch shares her experience and that allows these women to open up and speak about it.  It is part of them and their story and as equally important in their healing.

There is hope and forgiveness.  It is the same for you as it was for me.  I speak about my experience that happens to only include one abortion.  It is a miracle that is all I had.  I was by no means responsible and could have easily put myself in a situation where I would have to make that choice again.

We might look different, but we are the same.