Tag Archives: guilt

east to west

When I am drowning in my sorrows and filled with the muck that ones life can bring I am reminded about the forgiveness in which I believe in.  This morning this song came on and I love the words and the meaning.  You can go east forever without going west and west forever without going east.  THAT is how far my sins, shortcomings, regret, pain, guilt, shame, and everything else has been cast from me.

Psalm 103:12  As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

choose to live


On our way to Minnesota I saw this billboard…

“Smile!  Your mother was pro life”

I am thankful that my mother was.  I have letters from my father when my mother was pregnant with me and there were discussions on what they should do.  My fathers words were basically no way would abortion be an option.  Being that it was in 1974 (ok, you can calculate if you want :)) it might have seemed like the easy way out.  But they chose life.

I think about all that have chose life, I dare say none have regretted that choice.  But the simple choice I made leaves unending regret.

But please KNOW that through this regret, I am able to find redemption over and over again.  I feel it when I talk with other women in my shoes.  I see it when I can help someone else make an informed decision.

I choose to LIVE each and every day I have left.

mother’s day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and it’s a little bittersweet.  It never really hit me until I started going to church and they honored the mother’s by having them stand up or giving them a flower.  I realized I would never have that honor of being a mother.  No child to call my own and nothing that’s a part of me that I can send off into this world and hopefully send a piece of myself to the next generation.

So when I see them stand, as they should, and be honored, as they deserve.  I feel this twinge inside me.  Guilt of what I had done with what I had been given.  I try to ignore it.  But how can I?  How do I ignore something that is right there.  A feeling deep in my gut.

But I know the truth.  It’s in there.  Even though the guilt will sneak in from time to time.  The truth prevails.  Truth tells me that I have been forgiven.  Truth tells me that I am a mother (of sorts) to my nieces and nephew.  Truth tells me that I have many opportunities to be a mother still.  Though it’s not the same, it can be just as rewarding.  Instead of my life becoming a nasty, dirty, mucky pit.  I have been redeemed and I can truly say that my life has been restored from the years the locusts have eaten.  I can look back on the path I have been on.  It’s not perfect but it has beauty.  It’s not easy but it is rewarding beyond anything I have ever done.

Truth defeated all the lies.  Truth slew the dragon.

it’s not a game

I really didn’t want to make a third post about this, but I was a little surprised by my anger in my last post (that my sister insisted was not there).  But maybe it was inside me.  I have been thinking things through and I sorted out my feelings and have come to this conclusion.

It is not a game.

I guess by holding these “a-thon’s” to help pay for abortions it was like they were being flippant about it.  Like it’s no big deal.

You can be pro-life or pro-choice but you need to know this is not a game.  These are real people making hard choices about their future.  Some don’t know that this one decision could change their lives.  There might be relief initially.  But then comes the hurt, pain, destruction, guilt, consequences.  No one wakes up and wants to be faced with this decision.

Those of us who have made that choice know it can come out of fear, guilt, excuses, selfishness.  We don’t want to talk about it and share.  When we are in a room of women we wonder if anyone can tell that we have had one.  We look at other women and wonder if they have had one.  The reality of it is that we think we are all alone.  It didn’t matter that I saw all those women in the clinic.  Deep down I only see my hurt and pain and I can’t focus on someone else’s.  We built our own prison walls and sealed ourselves inside.  We need to know that we are not alone: 43% of all women will have had at least one abortion by the time they are 45.

If you would have told me I would be blogging about this I would have thought you were crazy.  This is personal and private and yet I felt there was a need to share my journey.

My abortion was in 1993 (see my story).  I started this journey of healing in 2004 and 8 years later I am still healing.  Sometimes the pain is still raw.  When I go to the doctor for my routine checkup I am instantly back in the clinic on the stainless steel table with the thin paper beneath me, my feet in the stirrups and the whirring sound of the vacuum machine.  I feel trapped.  I panic.  I start crying.  After telling friends how I have avoided this checkup for years they encouraged me to share this with my doctor.  So I did and she was quick about it and made it easier.  But I still dread going back.  Sometimes this pain is so deep you don’t know when it is going to bubble up.

But for me, even amidst the pain, I know I am healed, forgiven, redeemed.  I know that God has filled this emptiness with a purpose.  To talk about it with other women like me.  To comfort and journey along side these women and see them hold hold their head high and know they too are forgiven.  To help them surrender their secret.

i see you

On Sunday during the football playoff game, the cable went out.  Gasp!  So we decided to watch a movie.  As I named them off…we settled on Avatar.  There is this spot in the movie when the “sky people” betray the Na’vi clan and attack them to get what they came for.  Jake Sully who is one of the sky people, but  is in an “avatar” body is blamed, thinking he was the betrayer.

Jake has fallen in love with Neytiri and the Na’vi people.  He has learned about their way and their customs and wants to fight his own people to keep the Na’vi people safe.  Now there are many things that parallel with this movie that are interesting, but one in particular hit me this time.

This might get a little confusing, but here goes.  Jake knows that he has to do something big to get into their good graces again.  So he summons his flying creature called a banshee to find a toruk, which is another flying creature that only one other Na’vi ruler flew many generations ago.  Basically if he can pull this off, he will be looked at with respect again.

He does and arrives at the “Tree of Souls” where he swoops down on his toruk.  When he meets up with Neytiri she hold her hand to his face and she says, “I see you.”

This is the part where it struck me.  Our first lesson in the “Surrendering the Secret” bible study is the story of Hagar and how she is mistreated by Sarai, because of the wrong choices Sarai made by allowing her husband Abram to sleep with Hagar, her maid servant, so as to produce an heir.  So Hagar is pregnant and out in the wilderness running away from Sarai and she comes to a well and an angel of the LORD finds her there and asks her what she is running from, and where is she going.  The angel tells her to return and submit to her mistress and her authority and the LORD will give her more descendants than she could count.  He adds: for the LORD has heard your cry of distress.  Hagar names that well Beer-lahai-roi which means “well of the Living One who sees me.” (NLT)

When Neytiri said to Jake, “I see you”.  She was looking inside his heart.  She saw through everything and saw him for who he really was.  God does that too.  He sees through our muck and excuses and he sees deep inside our heart and soul.  If you have had an abortion, God sees through all the guilt, shame, hopelessness.  He has not abandoned you.  He sees you, you don’t have to cover it up.  He wants you to come to him the way you are.  Turn around and face your secret and I promise you will find healing.  I can hear God saying, “I see you.”