Tag Archives: forgiveness

some things must die

Scan007, October 16, 2003

April 29, 2013, for me, is one of those days that you “remember where you were when…”

They wheeled my husband back into the hospital room, the back of the bed faced me.  I couldn’t see him, but I knew something was wrong.  There was something in the air that changed.  Something felt off.  This was a routine heart catheterization procedure to put a couple stents in.  One day in the hospital, a couple days of rest, and bada bing, bada boom life would be back to normal.

But that’s not what happened.

The nurses flitted about getting things ready in his room.  His bed was still half in the hall and half in the room.  I couldn’t wait another minute for them to push him in, so I went to his side.

“Hey,”  I said, hoping for a smile, some sign we were done and we could move on from here.  But his face was full of dread and something else I couldn’t quite recognize on him.  Fear.  He spoke to me through watery eyes, his words a quiet whisper, “I have to have open heart.”  I shook my head no, hand in his squeezing tight.  The nurses droned on, talking to each other.

“How do you like working in the cath lab?”
“Oh it’s great, I’m learning a ton and it’s neat to see all the procedures and how they are done.”
“That’s great…”

Everything splintered in that moment.

I wanted the nurses to stop talking, to do their job and leave so we could be alone.  The world around us began to fade and spin.  All my thoughts were of ribs being opened and separated.  I couldn’t bear it.  I looked at my husband and wiped the tears from his face.  When he spoke there was terror in his voice.  He too, was afraid.

I had no words.  I couldn’t comfort him, I didn’t know what to do.  What would this mean?  I could see the process unfold that night as we went from denial to acceptance.

On May 2, 2013, he underwent quadruple bypass.

I have been wanting to write this entry for months.  I can say I was too busy, but I wonder if it was too raw.  It still feels fresh, like a wound that hasn’t quite healed.

But I learned there is a time and season for everything.  It’s ok for some things to die…to come to an end.

Death of shame.

Death of self.

Death of pride.

Death of bad habits.

The end of this blog…

This journey has brought me farther than I ever thought possible.  There was a day not too long ago that I said, “When I was post abortive.”  That day I realized I will always feel the pain and loss. But I am done carrying the shame and guilt from my abortion.  Jesus bore that all on the cross for me. Who am I to continue to carry the penalty, rather than choose to accept the free gift he has given us.  Now, I am truly free.

My prayer is that in a way this will live on.  I wanted to take others on my journey and see how it’s possible to heal.  That they are not alone in their struggles with abortion.

So I leave you with this:  Life is beautiful.  When the reality of life’s frailty hit me upside the head, it was a wake up call and I learned a lot about myself.

To live.

To live beautifully.

To live fully.

To not take things for granted.

To live without regrets.

To love more deeply.

My prayer is that you may do the same.

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the battle within

Anger flies in on a gentle breeze when I least expect it. It doesn’t announce its silent mission. It penetrates the barriers I have put up. What I thought was a fortress, it easily demolishes. The warriors that have sworn to protect have fallen. It darkens my soul and my countenance easily wavers.

There is anger at the loss, anger at those involved, anger at the situation. But most of all there is anger at myself. I envision a character standing above, pointing a bony finger at me. “You chose incorrectly.” And I know I did. The pain and truth of the words cut through me severing my paths of what could have been. I am doomed to a life of imprisonment.

Anger comes and goes. Years of emptiness inside a tomb I created. Regret. Shame. Pain. They are the scars that come from the choice I have to bear. I am told I shouldn’t feel this way. I am told that it was a simple procedure. But my heart knows differently. My heart wants to feel the loss, but my mind contradicts. So the battle ensues.

White light crashes. It pierces the darkness. I feel the warmth. But cannot adjust my eyes to its brilliance. The truth seeps into the crevices of my soul, the empty places that have been broken open. Healing. Hope. Love. The two forces collide and the battle continues. The darkness cannot hide. The light penetrates.

The Great Exchange: Truth for lies. Freedom for the captive. Beauty instead of ashes. Gladness instead of mourning. Restoration instead of devastation.

What could I do? How can I repay? Nothing. Just love, forgive as I have forgiven and loved you.

twin lives through an abortion

This is a beautiful story…

A young girl finds herself pregnant at 13 years old.  Her mother sends her to an abortion clinic.  She has the abortion.  But finds out later that she is still pregnant.

She was carrying twins.
She chose life for the second child.

The video story is told from that child’s perspective.

healing has begun

 

east to west

One of the things we use at our memorial service is this verse.

Psalm 103:11-12

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

When I was reading Mark Hall’s book, “Your Own Jesus”, Mark tells the story how a teacher explained this verse to him and it stuck with him.  Once I heard this I knew I wanted to use it in our memorial service.

This is how he described it:

“There is a reason God used east to west to describe how far he cast your sin from you.  If you go north, you can only go north so far until you’re finally going south.  And you can only go south so far until your going north.   But if you start traveling east, it keeps going east forever, and west just keeps going west.  If you think about it, you’re never going to go so far west that you’re going east.  That is how far he cast our sin from us.”

What did that mean to me?  I know all sin is equal in the eyes of God, but abortion in some respects felt like the ultimate SIN.  I know it isn’t.  But when you hold on to this dark secret for years it begins to take over.  You know your forgiven for that lie and maybe yelling at your mom that one time.  But is it possible to be forgiven for taking the life of my child?  Even if it’s possible to be forgiven, can I forgive myself?

But I didn’t need to forgive myself, but accept the forgiveness God already had given me.  I inform, speak, and share my story because I want people to know from the depths I was lifted up.  I want other women to experience the freedom I have.  It hasn’t been an easy journey at times, but I am not going back.

The truth keeps me free.

the Word

You have given all that you are and all that you have
that you might save a wandering soul like me
All I have to do is ask and receive this simple gift
But yet I keep wandering, searching, and looking
in everything and everyone I meet
Fooling myself that I might find what I seek
and yet in the end I turn to you because to my heart
You hold the key and you hold the power to unlock the
darkened caverns of my past
You alone can repair and bring into the light the darkness
That keeps me captive in my own selfish prison
Your word is living, alive, and active
Your word is like a double-edged sword
It can slice through the lies that I have been tortured with for so long
It can replace the lies with your truth
I feel I am on the path towards freedom—leaving these things behind
Things that I have held on to for so long
I turn around and watch them disappear into your blinding light
I feel your warmth surround me as the layers slowly drip off me
Tumbling back into the darkness from where they came
I am lost without you and with you I will never be lost again
Who am I to punish myself—what pride must I have to not
Accept this gift of freedom, a simple gift that cost your life
What love you must have, your life for mine
I accept this gift of forgiveness that is worth more than riches
It’s worth more than life itself because in believing I can truly live
Knit me back together for I am in your womb now
knit me so that I am whole again—so that I may be who you created me to be
You heard my fits of rage
You see the horrors in my mind
You felt my pain and agony
You heard me when I cried out
You walked in my shoes
You were tortured
You were crucified
You were beaten
Yet you endured it all for me
You saved me
You freed me
You forgave me
You love me
You are Jesus Christ the son of the Living God

John 1:1-5

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

another review

I can’t really say enough about this movie.  I went last night to opening night to see it a second time.  It was moving and powerful in so many ways.

One scene that always gets me is the love the father has for his daughter.  While the daughter is feeling alone, confused, and unwanted…yet the father makes every attempt to show his daughter how much he loves her, wants to protect her, that he would do anything for her, and finally that he wanted her.  This is something I missed.

There is another scene that always gets me, but I really don’t want to give anything away.  It’s toward the end with the birth mother who made the choice to abort her child that resulted in the failed abortion.  It is the grief, the desire for forgiveness, the righting of the wrong that this scene drives a powerful punch right into my heart (in a good way).  It also helps knowing the back story of the actor Shari Rigby that really brings authenticity to this scene.

If you haven’t, visit their website and go see this movie…

http://octoberbabymovie.net/