Tag Archives: every life is beautiful

some things must die

Scan007, October 16, 2003

April 29, 2013, for me, is one of those days that you “remember where you were when…”

They wheeled my husband back into the hospital room, the back of the bed faced me.  I couldn’t see him, but I knew something was wrong.  There was something in the air that changed.  Something felt off.  This was a routine heart catheterization procedure to put a couple stents in.  One day in the hospital, a couple days of rest, and bada bing, bada boom life would be back to normal.

But that’s not what happened.

The nurses flitted about getting things ready in his room.  His bed was still half in the hall and half in the room.  I couldn’t wait another minute for them to push him in, so I went to his side.

“Hey,”  I said, hoping for a smile, some sign we were done and we could move on from here.  But his face was full of dread and something else I couldn’t quite recognize on him.  Fear.  He spoke to me through watery eyes, his words a quiet whisper, “I have to have open heart.”  I shook my head no, hand in his squeezing tight.  The nurses droned on, talking to each other.

“How do you like working in the cath lab?”
“Oh it’s great, I’m learning a ton and it’s neat to see all the procedures and how they are done.”
“That’s great…”

Everything splintered in that moment.

I wanted the nurses to stop talking, to do their job and leave so we could be alone.  The world around us began to fade and spin.  All my thoughts were of ribs being opened and separated.  I couldn’t bear it.  I looked at my husband and wiped the tears from his face.  When he spoke there was terror in his voice.  He too, was afraid.

I had no words.  I couldn’t comfort him, I didn’t know what to do.  What would this mean?  I could see the process unfold that night as we went from denial to acceptance.

On May 2, 2013, he underwent quadruple bypass.

I have been wanting to write this entry for months.  I can say I was too busy, but I wonder if it was too raw.  It still feels fresh, like a wound that hasn’t quite healed.

But I learned there is a time and season for everything.  It’s ok for some things to die…to come to an end.

Death of shame.

Death of self.

Death of pride.

Death of bad habits.

The end of this blog…

This journey has brought me farther than I ever thought possible.  There was a day not too long ago that I said, “When I was post abortive.”  That day I realized I will always feel the pain and loss. But I am done carrying the shame and guilt from my abortion.  Jesus bore that all on the cross for me. Who am I to continue to carry the penalty, rather than choose to accept the free gift he has given us.  Now, I am truly free.

My prayer is that in a way this will live on.  I wanted to take others on my journey and see how it’s possible to heal.  That they are not alone in their struggles with abortion.

So I leave you with this:  Life is beautiful.  When the reality of life’s frailty hit me upside the head, it was a wake up call and I learned a lot about myself.

To live.

To live beautifully.

To live fully.

To not take things for granted.

To live without regrets.

To love more deeply.

My prayer is that you may do the same.

pretend i am a tree

I was doing some research for my novel and came across this picture on pinterest of all places.  There was quite a few abortion survivor stories on there too, but this struck me this morning.

A lot of the same people that fight for a woman’s right to choose, also fight to save trees or whales.  I think we should fight for these, but shouldn’t we be consistent?  Shouldn’t we add unborn human life to the list of things to fight for?  Shouldn’t we fight for the woman who is hurt because of the decision we told her would be ok, that things would go back to normal?

life is beautiful at any age

I went to see my grandma this week. It is hard to see her because the person we remember is fading from us. This time was especially hard because it was the first time she didn’t recognize me.

I am reminded that EVERY life is beautiful. I know it’s hard to watch what she is going through.  But despite this, I believe there are life lessons to be learned. Some may say it would be easier to put her to death…out of her misery.  But who says she is miserable.  She seemed somewhat content with her thoughts and surroundings.  We have an idea in our head what makes up a real life and we look at others who may have less and we wonder why were they ever born…they can’t do this or that.

Each of us is important.  Each of us has a purpose for our lives no matter how short or long we live.  No matter what imperfections we face.  We were all meant for greatness.

She is still teaching me something. How important it is to be faithful. To live in the moments we are given. To be present with those we love. Life is fleeting.  Those of us who still have breath should choose to live!

another review

I can’t really say enough about this movie.  I went last night to opening night to see it a second time.  It was moving and powerful in so many ways.

One scene that always gets me is the love the father has for his daughter.  While the daughter is feeling alone, confused, and unwanted…yet the father makes every attempt to show his daughter how much he loves her, wants to protect her, that he would do anything for her, and finally that he wanted her.  This is something I missed.

There is another scene that always gets me, but I really don’t want to give anything away.  It’s toward the end with the birth mother who made the choice to abort her child that resulted in the failed abortion.  It is the grief, the desire for forgiveness, the righting of the wrong that this scene drives a powerful punch right into my heart (in a good way).  It also helps knowing the back story of the actor Shari Rigby that really brings authenticity to this scene.

If you haven’t, visit their website and go see this movie…

http://octoberbabymovie.net/

what if

The tag line in the movie October Baby is: Every Life Is Beautiful.  I really believe that.  We are all unique, gifted, and special.  We each have something to bring to the table, some sort of talent we have been blessed with to contribute society.  I think of us as individual puzzle pieces that when we work together and fill in the empty spaces, we form a beautiful picture.

Some choose to ignore these gifts, others find them and hold them close out of fear.  But others have used their gifts and shared them with us.  Singers, writers, scientists, explorers, athletes, actors, and the list goes on.

I can’t help but to think of the 50,000,000 lives that have been destroyed since 1973.  Would one of them have cured cancer?  What have we missed out on?  Where would they have fit into the puzzle?  How would we be a different nation?

Today I wandered into…what if.  What would my life be like if I had my child?    My sister blessed me with two nieces and a nephew.  She and her children are treasures to me.  My sister has told me how there is a hole in her heart, a place my child should have filled.  How many others have similar empty spaces?

In the end I can’t change anything.  I can’t go back.  But from time to time I like to visit the land of what if and maybe dream a little.  I linger in hopes that I can catch a glimpse of Rebekah and what might have been.  A brief moment to fill my own empty space.

Every Life Is Beautiful!