Tag Archives: emptiness

fractured

GGma 3 - Version 2

Almost four weeks ago I broke my hand.  It has been hard to write to say the least and I wish I could say I am using the time to relax, because that was my intention.  But as always it has been busy.  My plan, I hope, is to use the last week and a half to do just that.

One thing that struck me, and is why I am telling you this, was when I left the urgent care after learning my hand was indeed broken, quite well the doctor remarked, and with the threat of surgery looming over my head, I walked out the doors and lost it.  I broke down.  I was left with overwhelming emptiness, shame, and anger.

A couple days later, I thought about it and realized that was the same feeling I felt when I left the abortion clinic.  In an instant I was brought back to that place.  I saw myself walk out those doors, and down the steps.  In that moment I felt nothing and everything.

I grieved deeply.

As I sit here and type one handed (of which I am getting really good at and thank-you spell check!), I am looking forward to the days of one-handed typing to be behind me.  But like my abortion, lessons that are harder learned will be with me forever and maybe that is a good thing for it was George Santayana who said, “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

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it’s for real

I was thinking today, if I were to tell someone after an abortion about what they are feeling I would tell them it’s for real.  Everything they are feeling it is real not in their head.  That they should feel what they feel.  No matter what situation, background, religion you come from the feelings are real and should not be denied.

We can get so caught up in what we think we should be feeling or what others think we should be feeling.  We are all individuals and are going to experience things differently.  I have noticed in talking with other post abortive women we do seem to experience similar emotions and though our circumstances can be worlds apart, we still have a bond that seems to link us together.

It doesn’t help when well meaning friends and family tell us to get over it.  There comes a point when we can and will rise above the pain and ache, but we will never get over it.  We will never leave behind the emptiness in our soul over what we did.  We might be able to live with ourselves again and the rawness will comes and go.  There is still a twinge when people ask me if I have any children.  Like a snap of the fingers, I am brought back to that choice I made almost 20 years ago.

There is no right way or wrong way, just your way.