I was thinking about my last post and it’s hard to articulate the deep loss I felt that day. It was like the tears were this sort of vomit that came from the deepest parts of me.
We are locked in our own prison, dead and dying on the inside while on the outside you would never know.
We have learned to hide it so well. We have glued our happy mannequin mask on tight. Living day to day…but inside there is a constant battle raging.
In my brokenness I was held captive by my thoughts that filled the empty void: Hopelessness. Worthlessness. Shame. Judgement
One day the light broke in through the darkness and mercy and grace poured on me. Like a puzzle, God put me back together.
The picture above is a sewing table from my Great Grandmother. The top of it was wood and was peeling from a lot of water damage. I had a table from my other Great Grandmother that had this beautiful tile on it, but it was also broken. I put them together and made a beautiful top for my sewing table.
It is in the fractures and wounds of my life that I have found the most beauty, growth and HOPE.
Posted in Abortion, Hope, Testimony, Truth
Tagged beauty, beauty from ashes, choose life, death to life, fractured, fractures, God's mercy and grace, hope, old sewing table, tiled sewing table
My sister was sidewalk counseling one Friday. It was soon after she had been given the news that she was pregnant. It wasn’t happy news. It was unplanned. She already had two children and physically, mentally, financially was not ready to support a third. Yet, still here it was. Reality. She couldn’t undo it. There was no danger of an abortion, but in those minutes after receiving the news her mind raced: This can’t be happening. I’m not ready to do this. How are we going to make it? How can I give my love to a third child? In those moments she felt a thousand doubts creep up inside of her.
God placed the right person at the clinic at the right time.
A young girl and her husband pulled into the wrong side of the clinic and my sister was able to go over and talk to them. Because they had drove a distance to come to this clinic she also had her ten month son with her. The young girl shared how she didn’t think she could love another child. She was scared it would take away from the relationship she already had with her son. Her husband sat quietly with their son playing in the minivan. She confided that her husband didn’t want her to have the abortion, but he would go along with her choice.
Because of the child my sister was now carrying she was able to share her own fears of what she had been going through. After three hours of talking, questioning, and deliberating, this girl decided to choose life. My sister kept in contact with her for a while after both their children were born and she was very grateful to have made this choice.
Fear drives us to do a lot of things we wouldn’t do under normal circumstances. I see my sister and my niece that came out of that situation and I wouldn’t trade that little spit fire for anything. She completes our family. There would have always been a piece missing. Sometimes I think that’s what I feel. I feel a piece is missing from my family puzzle. It’s not something I can get back in this lifetime. It’s lost, but not everything is lost forever.
I still have hope. Which is why I named my child Rebekah Hope and it’s also why my niece’s middle name is Hope. One day my sister can tell her the story of how she saved a life before she was even born. My sister say’s I am her hero, but she blessed me with wonderful children that brighten up my life and that makes her my hero.
Posted in Abortion, Hope, Testimony, Truth
Tagged choose life, doubts, hope, life, pregnancy, sidewalk counseling, testimony, truth
February 25, 2005
People began arriving as soon as we got there. I forgot the thermos at home, so my husband brought us some hot water for our tea (our attempt to keep the chill off). That was when a car pulled up with a “love wins” bumper sticker. This sticker had been passed out during a sermon at our church.
A young man and a lady got out of the car. My sister tried speaking to them – asking them if they went to “that” church and telling them we could help them. Jesus could help them. He told us that it was hard enough what they were doing. They didn’t want our input. We prayed hard the rest of the night for a second chance with them. There was more we wanted to say. More help we wanted to offer them. Sadly though they never returned. They didn’t leave their spot inside the clinic. We prayed as the time got nearer that God would speak to his heart to choose life.
We were able to get information into one other hand. Someone that was picking up their 24 hour notice.
No one else would take information.
We watched another couple walk up the sidewalk. The young man trailing his girlfriend. He looked at us with a half-smile seemingly reluctant with their decision. A while later he came outside the clinic and before he went back in, he stared at us for what seemed like a long time. We were unable to speak with him – only pray and hope that God would fill his heart, all their hearts. If not that day…then someday.