Tag Archives: beauty

fractured revisited

GGma 3 - Version 2

I was thinking about my last post and it’s hard to articulate the deep loss I felt that day.  It was like the tears were this sort of vomit that came from the deepest parts of me.

Fractured.

We are locked in our own prison, dead and dying on the inside while on the outside you would never know.

Fractured.

We have learned to hide it so well.  We have glued our happy mannequin mask on tight.  Living day to day…but inside there is a constant battle raging.

Fractured.

In my brokenness I was held captive by my thoughts that filled the empty void:  Hopelessness.  Worthlessness.  Shame.  Judgement

Fractured.

One day the light broke in through the darkness and mercy and grace poured on me.  Like a puzzle, God put me back together.

*****

The picture above is a sewing table from my Great Grandmother.  The top of it was wood and was peeling from a lot of water damage.  I had a table from my other Great Grandmother that had this beautiful tile on it, but it was also broken.  I put them together and made a beautiful top for my sewing table.

It is in the fractures and wounds of my life that I have found the most beauty, growth and HOPE.

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isaiah 45:10

In the shadow of an abortion clinic stands this piece of art work for an art competition in our city. Titled: Isaiah 45:10

It reminds me of my life and what I lost. The regret, emptiness, sorrow and guilt.

But there is also a completeness. My heart would not be complete if I didn’t take this experience and remember. Not just remember the bad, but embrace all the good. All the things I have learned about myself and all the things that have been refined in me.

This is why it’s so important to share my story. It’s not easy laying out every ugly scar. But tile by tile as I lay it out it begins to take shape and I begin to see something I hadn’t planned, something that is immensely more beautiful than I could have imagined. I see my pain being used by God bringing others to a place of hope.

I don’t want to hide in the shadows and slink away. I want to raise my voice and live out loud. I want you to know the depths of darkness I have been raised up from. God has used ALL things in me for such a time as this.

I will say it again and again. You are not alone.

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?”
Esther 4:14

rejoice

I am reminded of this everyday.  I know the darkness I have come from.  The ashes I rose up from.  The pit I was dug out from.

I know and I rejoice.

mother’s day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and it’s a little bittersweet.  It never really hit me until I started going to church and they honored the mother’s by having them stand up or giving them a flower.  I realized I would never have that honor of being a mother.  No child to call my own and nothing that’s a part of me that I can send off into this world and hopefully send a piece of myself to the next generation.

So when I see them stand, as they should, and be honored, as they deserve.  I feel this twinge inside me.  Guilt of what I had done with what I had been given.  I try to ignore it.  But how can I?  How do I ignore something that is right there.  A feeling deep in my gut.

But I know the truth.  It’s in there.  Even though the guilt will sneak in from time to time.  The truth prevails.  Truth tells me that I have been forgiven.  Truth tells me that I am a mother (of sorts) to my nieces and nephew.  Truth tells me that I have many opportunities to be a mother still.  Though it’s not the same, it can be just as rewarding.  Instead of my life becoming a nasty, dirty, mucky pit.  I have been redeemed and I can truly say that my life has been restored from the years the locusts have eaten.  I can look back on the path I have been on.  It’s not perfect but it has beauty.  It’s not easy but it is rewarding beyond anything I have ever done.

Truth defeated all the lies.  Truth slew the dragon.