Tag Archives: anger

loss of control

peru5

When you have an abortion, you feel the loss of control.  You lost control over what happened to your body when the life was sucked taken from you.  You didn’t realize what was going to happen, how you were going to feel.

They didn’t tell you what might happen with your emotions.  Their only words were: it’s only tissue, its a simple procedure, you will be fine, your life will be back to normal.

A steady cadence of lies.

Only now there is a new normal.  A post abortive normal that they never told you.  They didn’t tell you that one day you would be overcome by your grief.  That if you let it, it would swallow you up.  They didn’t tell you that anger would seep into the most unlikely places and you would end up hating yourself for what you did.  Not an easy dislike, but a deep, dark, hatred that infiltrated and poisoned my soul.

I have facilitated this study multiple times and I’m still amazed by what I learn.  This time around, I still see this loss of control and how that affected me.  I look at my life and see how I try to control every part of what happens in my bubble.  From big to little things.  I know part of it IS my personality, but a huge part of it is this loss of control I experienced with my abortion and the abuse I suffered.

I never wanted to feel that way again and so I promised myself that I would always be in control, I would never let anyone control me again.  I allowed myself to be bullied into this decision to abort (yes I still take responsibility for my choice).  But after that day, I vowed, I would be the one to decide my fate.  It will be my choice.

I am no where near as bad as I once was, but I still need work.  Healing comes in stages.  It has been over ten years into my journey and I continue to learn things about myself from that one incident over 20 years ago.

This life is a journey not a destination…

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violent past

I just finished writing a short story that I submitted to a contest today.  The whole story came from a smaller event that was actually true.  It was something I stuffed deep and one day it surfaced.

When  a friend was reading this story, I explained that this part was actually true.  He was angry for me.  It was comforting in a way, but also disturbing.  I was disturbed that I had hid it away, and just chocked it up to something normal that happens.  But it wasn’t and my story brought out this injustice.  I locked the truth so tight that I could almost imagine it hadn’t happened at all.

We all hide different things in our past and press them down under layers.  It’s not easy to talk about our stories because sometimes they are ugly, bloody scabs that try to heal but they don’t because we haven’t let them.  We rip off the bandaid and put something on top of it that just ends up infecting it worse.

I have another friend that likens the process to peeling off the layers of an onion, we deal with one thing at a time until we finally come to the core.  It think that best describes the post abortion healing process.  We peel back these layers and deal with one aspect of the abortion at a time.  It allows for God’s healing to soak in.

Like my friend, I am angry for you if you have had an abortion.  I want to fight for you and your feelings.  I want you to be able to surrender this secret.  To not be held captive by it any longer.  Break the chains that define and bind you!

the battle within

Anger flies in on a gentle breeze when I least expect it. It doesn’t announce its silent mission. It penetrates the barriers I have put up. What I thought was a fortress, it easily demolishes. The warriors that have sworn to protect have fallen. It darkens my soul and my countenance easily wavers.

There is anger at the loss, anger at those involved, anger at the situation. But most of all there is anger at myself. I envision a character standing above, pointing a bony finger at me. “You chose incorrectly.” And I know I did. The pain and truth of the words cut through me severing my paths of what could have been. I am doomed to a life of imprisonment.

Anger comes and goes. Years of emptiness inside a tomb I created. Regret. Shame. Pain. They are the scars that come from the choice I have to bear. I am told I shouldn’t feel this way. I am told that it was a simple procedure. But my heart knows differently. My heart wants to feel the loss, but my mind contradicts. So the battle ensues.

White light crashes. It pierces the darkness. I feel the warmth. But cannot adjust my eyes to its brilliance. The truth seeps into the crevices of my soul, the empty places that have been broken open. Healing. Hope. Love. The two forces collide and the battle continues. The darkness cannot hide. The light penetrates.

The Great Exchange: Truth for lies. Freedom for the captive. Beauty instead of ashes. Gladness instead of mourning. Restoration instead of devastation.

What could I do? How can I repay? Nothing. Just love, forgive as I have forgiven and loved you.

can’t let it die…

pun intended (sorta).

To be honest, I am having a hard time moving past this bowling for abortions and mini golf hole-a-thon that happened this past month to help fund abortions.

Their website says:  “because women’s lives matter”another picture in their slideshow says: “help a woman change her life; fund an abortion and help  a woman care for her family.”

Abortion did change my life.  Abortion sent me into a spiral of self-hatred.  I sunk into a deep pit that I tried to climb out for years.  It changed who I was.  It took whatever was left of my innocence.  It took my child and future children.  It made me angry.  Not just a little anger, but spit-fire fly off the handle mad.  We can argue that I wouldn’t be who I am now without it.  But I argue back I don’t know who I would have been had I not had it.  It did not help me.  It’s empty promises did not bring peace.

I agree there is a need here.  They raised 500,000 to fund abortions.  I can’t help but think how this money could have been used to really help women.  Some women are scared, alone and think abortion is the only answer.  But I have seen the difference when a church throws a shower giving a dresser stuffed with everything the mother will need.  I have heard of families taking in mothers to help them have a place to stay while they get back on their feet.  There are so many organizations that help with clothing, diapers, and food.

Lord forgive us for we don’t know what we have done…

truth of the week

Well it’s time for Truth of the Week.  I feel like I need a super hero voice that echoes when I say that.  🙂

Today I wanted to touch of Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.  I know it seems like we put a name on everything.  But from my own experience these symptoms are real.

Not everyone who has had an abortion has any or all of these symptoms.  Some show up right away, some bleed into our life slowly as I have experienced.  And since it is my blog and I am putting myself out there…I thought I would take the risk and put the symptoms I had in bold.

When the reactions and feelings in the first 3 months following an abortion are severe, causing such problems as:

  • Self-harm, strong suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts
  • Increase in dangerous and/or unhealthy activities (alcohol/drug abuse, anorexia/bulimia, compulsive over-eating, cutting, casual and indifferent sex and other inappropriate risk-taking behaviors)
  • Depression that is stronger than just ‘a little sadness or the blues’
  • Inability to perform normal self-care activities
  • Inability to function normally in her job or in school
  • Inability to take care of or relate to her existing children or function normally in her other relationships (i.e. with a spouse, partner, other family member or friends)
  • A desire to immediately get pregnant and ‘replace’ the baby that was aborted, even when all the circumstances that led her to ‘choose abortion’ the first time are still in place.

PASS problems could include short and/or long term problems with:

  • emotions, and dealing with emotional issues
  • struggles with depression
  • continued suicidal thoughts or attempts
  • anxiety and panic disorder
  • addictions of all kinds
  • difficulty sleeping and sleeping problems
  • disturbing dreams and/or nightmares
  • problems with phobias, or increase in severity of existing phobias
  • eating disorders
  • “replacement baby” syndrome
  • repeated unplanned pregnancies with additional abortions
  • repeated unplanned pregnancies carried to term
  • “atonement marriage”, where the woman marries the partner from the abortion, to help justify the abortion
  • trouble with relationships and dealing with partners
  • distress at the sight of other pregnant women, other people’s babies and children
  • inability to deal with or socialize with other pregnant women, other people’s babies and children
  • codependence and inability to make decisions easily
  • problems with severe and disproportionate anger
  • work and school problems (unable to function normally)
  • problems bonding with and caring for existing children or new babies
  • distress and problems with later pregnancy
  • added emotional issues and problems when dealing with future infertility or other physical complications resulting from the abortion.
  • unhealthy obsession with excelling at work or school, to justify the abortion

forgive

This week we dive into forgiveness.  Anger is something we need to express, but holding on to it can be dangerous and it leads to so many destructive behaviors.  We need to let it go.  We need to forgive.

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting
Forgiveness is NOT minimizing the hurt
Forgiveness is NOT reconciling

I love this quote, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.”  It is true that we hold grudges, and think we are punishing the people that have betrayed us.  But in the end it only hurts you and keeps you in bondage.

The person I thought I could never forgive was myself.  I couldn’t forgive myself for what I had done, who I had become, and for being so blind.  I finally realized I didn’t need to forgive myself, but to accept God’s forgiveness already there for me.  A free gift God handed to me when he sent his son to die on a cross so that I may live a life of freedom.

A great story in the bible is that of Joshua (Genesis 37-50) who was sold into slavery by his brothers, later thrown into prison, after that he became the second ruler of Egypt reporting to the Pharaoh.  Not knowing Joshua was still alive, his brothers traveled to Egypt in need of help because of the famine in the land.  Joshua helped to save his family.  Later Joshua told his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

I know God can and has used my abortion for His glory.  I am willing to speak my story to help someone make a choice for life or help someone that has been hurt by abortion.  It is out of this place of forgiveness that I can truly live.

righteous anger

This week we look into anger.  For some reason anger is my favorite week of the study.  I think it is one of those emotions I tend to embrace for both healthy and unhealthy reasons.

My anger came out in explosive ways.  If I am honest I have punched a hole in more than one wall.  Anger would overtake me.  I couldn’t quite explain it or what would trigger it.  It bubbled up inside and once it caught fire it was hard to put out.

When I went through this study it clicked.  I realized that part of my anger came from my past abortion and it was ok to be angry.  I was able to express anger with those who were involved, people that robbed me of my innocence, and anger with myself.

Be angry and yet do not sin…do not give the devil a foothold.  Ephesians 4:26-27

The problem with anger is that it breeds bitterness.  We have to release this anger, channel it into passion and use that passion to fuel change for causes greater than ourselves.

I like to think that’s what I’m doing.