Tag Archives: Abortion

welcome

img_8447Welcome to Rebekah’s Hope.  I started this blog as my healing journey through my past abortion (nearly 25 years ago).  While I will always deal with the consequences of that day, God has truly used my experience for His glory.

If you’d like to read more of my story

Part One

Part Two

If you’d like to learn more about the Garden of Hope

GOH

My author website

mlalvarez

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some things must die

Scan007, October 16, 2003

April 29, 2013, for me, is one of those days that you “remember where you were when…”

They wheeled my husband back into the hospital room, the back of the bed faced me.  I couldn’t see him, but I knew something was wrong.  There was something in the air that changed.  Something felt off.  This was a routine heart catheterization procedure to put a couple stents in.  One day in the hospital, a couple days of rest, and bada bing, bada boom life would be back to normal.

But that’s not what happened.

The nurses flitted about getting things ready in his room.  His bed was still half in the hall and half in the room.  I couldn’t wait another minute for them to push him in, so I went to his side.

“Hey,”  I said, hoping for a smile, some sign we were done and we could move on from here.  But his face was full of dread and something else I couldn’t quite recognize on him.  Fear.  He spoke to me through watery eyes, his words a quiet whisper, “I have to have open heart.”  I shook my head no, hand in his squeezing tight.  The nurses droned on, talking to each other.

“How do you like working in the cath lab?”
“Oh it’s great, I’m learning a ton and it’s neat to see all the procedures and how they are done.”
“That’s great…”

Everything splintered in that moment.

I wanted the nurses to stop talking, to do their job and leave so we could be alone.  The world around us began to fade and spin.  All my thoughts were of ribs being opened and separated.  I couldn’t bear it.  I looked at my husband and wiped the tears from his face.  When he spoke there was terror in his voice.  He too, was afraid.

I had no words.  I couldn’t comfort him, I didn’t know what to do.  What would this mean?  I could see the process unfold that night as we went from denial to acceptance.

On May 2, 2013, he underwent quadruple bypass.

I have been wanting to write this entry for months.  I can say I was too busy, but I wonder if it was too raw.  It still feels fresh, like a wound that hasn’t quite healed.

But I learned there is a time and season for everything.  It’s ok for some things to die…to come to an end.

Death of shame.

Death of self.

Death of pride.

Death of bad habits.

The end of this blog…

This journey has brought me farther than I ever thought possible.  There was a day not too long ago that I said, “When I was post abortive.”  That day I realized I will always feel the pain and loss. But I am done carrying the shame and guilt from my abortion.  Jesus bore that all on the cross for me. Who am I to continue to carry the penalty, rather than choose to accept the free gift he has given us.  Now, I am truly free.

My prayer is that in a way this will live on.  I wanted to take others on my journey and see how it’s possible to heal.  That they are not alone in their struggles with abortion.

So I leave you with this:  Life is beautiful.  When the reality of life’s frailty hit me upside the head, it was a wake up call and I learned a lot about myself.

To live.

To live beautifully.

To live fully.

To not take things for granted.

To live without regrets.

To love more deeply.

My prayer is that you may do the same.

east to west

When I am drowning in my sorrows and filled with the muck that ones life can bring I am reminded about the forgiveness in which I believe in.  This morning this song came on and I love the words and the meaning.  You can go east forever without going west and west forever without going east.  THAT is how far my sins, shortcomings, regret, pain, guilt, shame, and everything else has been cast from me.

Psalm 103:12  As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

fractured

GGma 3 - Version 2

Almost four weeks ago I broke my hand.  It has been hard to write to say the least and I wish I could say I am using the time to relax, because that was my intention.  But as always it has been busy.  My plan, I hope, is to use the last week and a half to do just that.

One thing that struck me, and is why I am telling you this, was when I left the urgent care after learning my hand was indeed broken, quite well the doctor remarked, and with the threat of surgery looming over my head, I walked out the doors and lost it.  I broke down.  I was left with overwhelming emptiness, shame, and anger.

A couple days later, I thought about it and realized that was the same feeling I felt when I left the abortion clinic.  In an instant I was brought back to that place.  I saw myself walk out those doors, and down the steps.  In that moment I felt nothing and everything.

I grieved deeply.

As I sit here and type one handed (of which I am getting really good at and thank-you spell check!), I am looking forward to the days of one-handed typing to be behind me.  But like my abortion, lessons that are harder learned will be with me forever and maybe that is a good thing for it was George Santayana who said, “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

surrender part four

click here to see part one
click here to see part two
click here to see part three

don’t weep for me

photo

It is true, I don’t have children.  I sometimes wonder what it would have been like.  I remember when I bought my house (it’s next to a school).  I thought maybe one day I would have a child and I could stay home and walk them to school and pick them up.  I could have warm cookies waiting from time to time.  See their smiles light up their face as they wipe off their milk mustache.

I know its not all sunshine and cookies, but I imagine there must be some reward or why would so many of you decide to have children and more than one.  🙂

There is a sorrow inside me that won’t go away.  It’s more of a dull ache that remains.  Like when the cold weather brings on the tenderness of old joints, I too have seasons of my life where this pain is more prominent than usual.

Don’t weep for me.  There is joy in my future when I will be reunited with my Rebekah Hope, of that I am sure.

loss of control

peru5

When you have an abortion, you feel the loss of control.  You lost control over what happened to your body when the life was sucked taken from you.  You didn’t realize what was going to happen, how you were going to feel.

They didn’t tell you what might happen with your emotions.  Their only words were: it’s only tissue, its a simple procedure, you will be fine, your life will be back to normal.

A steady cadence of lies.

Only now there is a new normal.  A post abortive normal that they never told you.  They didn’t tell you that one day you would be overcome by your grief.  That if you let it, it would swallow you up.  They didn’t tell you that anger would seep into the most unlikely places and you would end up hating yourself for what you did.  Not an easy dislike, but a deep, dark, hatred that infiltrated and poisoned my soul.

I have facilitated this study multiple times and I’m still amazed by what I learn.  This time around, I still see this loss of control and how that affected me.  I look at my life and see how I try to control every part of what happens in my bubble.  From big to little things.  I know part of it IS my personality, but a huge part of it is this loss of control I experienced with my abortion and the abuse I suffered.

I never wanted to feel that way again and so I promised myself that I would always be in control, I would never let anyone control me again.  I allowed myself to be bullied into this decision to abort (yes I still take responsibility for my choice).  But after that day, I vowed, I would be the one to decide my fate.  It will be my choice.

I am no where near as bad as I once was, but I still need work.  Healing comes in stages.  It has been over ten years into my journey and I continue to learn things about myself from that one incident over 20 years ago.

This life is a journey not a destination…