loss of control

peru5

When you have an abortion, you feel the loss of control.  You lost control over what happened to your body when the life was sucked taken from you.  You didn’t realize what was going to happen, how you were going to feel.

They didn’t tell you what might happen with your emotions.  Their only words were: it’s only tissue, its a simple procedure, you will be fine, your life will be back to normal.

A steady cadence of lies.

Only now there is a new normal.  A post abortive normal that they never told you.  They didn’t tell you that one day you would be overcome by your grief.  That if you let it, it would swallow you up.  They didn’t tell you that anger would seep into the most unlikely places and you would end up hating yourself for what you did.  Not an easy dislike, but a deep, dark, hatred that infiltrated and poisoned my soul.

I have facilitated this study multiple times and I’m still amazed by what I learn.  This time around, I still see this loss of control and how that affected me.  I look at my life and see how I try to control every part of what happens in my bubble.  From big to little things.  I know part of it IS my personality, but a huge part of it is this loss of control I experienced with my abortion and the abuse I suffered.

I never wanted to feel that way again and so I promised myself that I would always be in control, I would never let anyone control me again.  I allowed myself to be bullied into this decision to abort (yes I still take responsibility for my choice).  But after that day, I vowed, I would be the one to decide my fate.  It will be my choice.

I am no where near as bad as I once was, but I still need work.  Healing comes in stages.  It has been over ten years into my journey and I continue to learn things about myself from that one incident over 20 years ago.

This life is a journey not a destination…

Advertisements

7 responses to “loss of control

  1. Love your words. This life is a journey not a destination

  2. Thank you for your blog Michelle. Your words capture so many of my emotions. Blessings to you.

  3. How true your words are! I can completely and totally relate to deep self hatred. I have operated for the past 10 yrs ( even after being saved) like I’m worthless, irreparable, beyond help, and that even though I’m a Christian, I am a second class one at that. I’m in a separate hospital for ” those sinners” the ones that even the church handles with pliers of contempt. I have felt so isolated for years.
    After an abortion, I felt absolute disgust, horror, and shame that I had failed to protect my unborn. If I couldn’t trust myself to come through at a desperate time, how could I trust anyone else? They never let me see the ultrasounds.. and the women who scanned me was an emotion-less lady who clicked around on the screen, humming. It brings tears to my eyes.. she saw the screen, and it appeared she didn’t see ANYONE THERE. I loathe the fact that I let these clinics look into the humanity of my child, while I sat there oblivious. I can’t go back now. I have no pictures to remember my two children. The clinic were the ones to gaze upon what I now know are my two beautiful children, and they are gone. A band-aid could never heal the graveyard of my womb.. I hope and pray My Savior will take all of this darkness and fill it with His light.

    • Your words are so piercing. I have been there and felt the worthless empty void that my life had become. God brought you on this healing journey and he will fill the darkness and emptiness with his light. Rely on who GOD says you are. You are his child, the apple of his eye. He would have sent his son for just you…that is how much he loves you.

  4. Thank you for everything. Your healing journey points me back to the cross; the only place where I am truly free. I feel renewed by your transparency, compassion, and purpose of declaring freedom to the captives. So many captives remain in the church, and it makes your ministry of healing a lifeline. I have been changed ghrough knowing you

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s