bandaids

photoJeremiah 6:14  “They have healed the brokenness of my people superficially saying peace, peace but there is  no peace.”

This verse is in our Surrendering the Secret bible study.  I have facilitated this study about 7 times.  I have read the same words over and over.  Yet I was struck this time around by the truth of this verse.

After the abortion they put a bandaid on us and sent us back out.

We are not the same women that walked through the door looking for a solution.  We are different.  Hemorrhaging inside.

Peace they told us.  It’s just a blob of tissue they said.

But there was no peace.

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15 responses to “bandaids

  1. You have an amazing testimony…. thnk you so much for your openess, honesty and Godly point of view. May the Lord continue to bless all of your efforts.

    • Thanks so much for the kind words. I am truly blessed to be able to use my story to help others see. Thanks for reading. 🙂

  2. Thank you for creating this blog. I have just come out of hiding after 10 years of keeping my 2 abortions a secret. I realize now, I have been crushed in spirit for years, slowly bleeding to death emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.
    I begin STS study in a few days, and I’m very nervous, but I know the Lord has orchestrated this. The grief and fear I feel right now are very overwhelming, and I feel a sort of panic of ” what Have I done?? If they would’ve told me it was actually a baby, I wouldn’t have been able to go through with it. Now I know, and I can do NOTHING to change it.” I have been crying uncontrollably, and seeking refuge in my closet, as I pray to the Lord to carry me through the pain. I cry for my children; every cell of my body weeps for them. Even though I tried to stuff it down, my heart cannot forget them, and my body remembers carrying them if only for 8 wks and 9 wks. I feel so broken.

    I’m so thankful you have created this page to help reach other women who are reeling from the aftermath of abortion. Your testimony has deeply encouraged and comforted me, and I praise God for the healing work He has done in your life.

    • Mari, Thank-you so much for posting. You have brought me to tears (in a good way). When God takes our darkness and uses it for his will and good it is truly a glorious feeling. I am so glad he can use my words and testimony to help you! I will add you to my prayer list and please update me if you can, I would like to know how you are doing. What you are feeling is normal. It is scary, but please stick it out, there is so much freedom. God can truly turn ashes into beauty.

  3. Thank you for being a hand in the dark, and pointing me the way to the cross through your transparency. When I am overwhelmed in this sea of anguish, fear, and shame, I look to women such as yourself with stories of redemption and say to myself ” If the Lord can bring her through this, He can do that for me!” Thank you for keeping me in prayer. I am very scared.

    Maybe this is too much info to divulge but at 14, I was raped by a family member, lost half of my family and had to endure a terrible exam which left me shattered. I continued to put myself in dangerous situations reminiscent of my original trauma and ended up pregnant at 19. My only response was pure panic. I had no clue about crisis pregnancy centers, fetal development, received no counsel, and was given no options. I was so afraid. My unresolved PTSD from the rape and exam left me unable to receive any gynocological help, such as exams, etc. When faced with pregnancy, my terror at being forced to endure exams when I knew I physically would shut down, made the panic worsen.

    I became incredibly ill and my vomiting was so severe for 2 mths, I ended up in the hospital from severe malnutrition and dehydration; they could barely get the iv in due to shriveled veins. ( I had gone from 120 pds to 86)The doctors told me I shouldn’t go through with the second pregnancy due to risks to my health. This further compounded my feelings of being trapped in an out of control situation.

    Even through it all, though I knew nothing of development,my heart became attached to my child. I tried to hold on. I ended up giving in to an abortion at 9 wks. The only way I could go through with it was because they never showed me an ultrasound, and when I went on the table, I felt I had shackled on my ankles no one could see. In that moment, I felt like that terrified 14 year old child stuck on a rape exam table with no way out. I had learned to dissociate very well. Because I was going under for the abortion, for the moment, I could dissociate from reality. I realize now that I did not protect my children because I didn’t know how to protect myself. I have sobbed from my shame and anguish, asking God to forgive me for my fornication and for responding like a 14 year old child instead of a mother. I am shattered inside from what I have done.

    I only share this because people just don’t know every woman’s story of abortion. So many pass it off like it was some flippant ” choice” and I’m here to say, that’s simply not the case at all. Most women, if they were given that same child and that child were placed in their arms, wouldn’t hand the child back and say, ” take it. I don’t want it. go kill it.” Women are so deeply broken after abortion and children are dead. Abortion destroys. But God heals. He is our Redeemer. I know one day He will wipe away every tear. I cling to the hope of reunion, and pray that my children understand it was never about me ” not wanting” them.

    • Thank-you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you and all that you went through. If there is one thing I have learned that God will use all of that for his Glory so that none is wasted. It may seem an uphill battle at times but there is freedom in dredging through the dark and desperate places in our lives. I so agree with you about when people flippantly talk about abortion. It is not as simple as a choice. There are things that have shaped us in our past and present that brought us to that place and more pressures than some people can understand that bring us to that final decision. We thought hoped it would end there, but it sent us further into the pit of darkness. I look back and I have no idea who that person was.
      I just want to say: You are BRAVE. I am rooting for you and every woman that has walked this before you is also rooting for you. Yes every tear has been collected and Yes He will repay the years the locust have eaten!

  4. Thank you for your kind words and your merciful heart. I so appreciate the encouragement you have shown me, and I DO believe that God is going to use it all for His glory, as you said.
    It’s so comforting that you get it, and can relate to the fact that it isn’t just some flippant choice, but as you said, things that have shaped us in our past are huge contributors to the end result, whether we are conscious of them at the time, or not. I absolutely hear you about looking back, and having no idea who that person was. I look back and I just shudder, but am also in awe, because I can clearly see I am NOT that person anymore; Jesus Christ has saved me, totally changed me from the inside out.

    I greatly appreciate your prayers and everything you have extended to me. I begin STS tomorrow. I will continue to read your blog, and let you know how it goes. God bless you, sister!

  5. Thank you for your prayers!! I so deeply appreciate them. I went to STS first meeting, and I admit, I was shaking the whole time. I’m facing the cross like never before, and that is amazing, however, I am also feeling very overwhelmed by the waves which threaten to engulf me; I feel I’m treading water in the middle of a violent storm, and the grief and horror of my abortions is about to overtake me. Please tell me this is normal. It HURTS. I bonded with my second child, in my heart, and so the loss of that child is that much more brutal because I wanted my child. I just shut down, and denied what was real because I felt there was no way out. I feel so angry with myself, angry at everyone involved, and the clinic for keeping the monitor turned away, so that I wouldn’t see the truth. I pray this agony quiets at some point. I miss my children so much, and I feel so broken, without them here. Thank you for listening and for sharing your journey. If you can get through this, I know I can, too

    • Yes it is normal! I remember my first time and I admit that though I was ready for the journey I too was shaking and extremely nervous. I also remember when I had to share my story for the first time. I fought all the emotions that were within me and I do not recommend fighting. If I could change anything it would be to allow myself to cry and feel it all. It will continue to be hard, and you will feel like you are going up hill. But there will be a point where the journey will start to ease up and you will feel yourself going down the hill and entering freedom. The truth, while it will hurt at the time, it will eventually set you free.

    • I also wanted to say that after that night I shared my story and held all that emotion in. I had the worst migraine I have ever had. It was like the pain, guilt, shame, hurt, anger, hatred was eating me up from the inside out. So it’s good to release that. I thought I was so tough and didn’t want to cry in front of people. Figured I would wait until I got home. But it is good to let it out.

  6. Thank you so much for replying! I’m so grateful for you sharing your journey, and reaching out to me; it makes me feel that I’m not alone, and someone understands. What you said about not fighting the emotions when sharing the abortion story has helped me greatly. I’m going to keep it in the forefront of my mind. I feel queasy and scared to feel it all.. it reminds me of how one feels the vomit rising, and tries to hold it back, instead of purging it out. It almost sounds like a rollercoaster, where you slowly go up to that height point and then the huge drop… I know everyone’s journey is different, but when did you experience yourself going down the hill and feeling free? Was it after the memorial?

  7. That’s really eye-opening how you experienced that migraine after you released your story.. I can feel your words, as you describe the many emotions which were like a vicious infection spreading everywhere. For years, I have suffered panic attacks, and have always felt on the verge of great anxiety, anger at the world, etc.. my body has always felt tense and painful. My anxiety would get so bad that my magnesium levels dropped significantly and i ended up in the hospital with full body spasms, irregular heartbeat, and painfully contracted muscles which would not allow me to walk. Turns out stress is responsible for declining magnesium levels, aside from other factors, and magnesium is what is responsible for being able to relax muscles, support your immune system, and prevent adrenal burn-out. I have been shaking for years from this underlying grief and trauma, and now I’m getting it all out.. I can tell sharing the story will be intense. I have my book work to do, and have to write out my story; I’m very anxious and grieved about remembering it all. Thank you for everything

    • A friend of mine likened her part of the journey like an onion. You have to peel back all these layers that we used to cover up the lie until we finally come face to face with the truth. It is only then we can truly begin to heal. When I first did a study on post abortion it was actually through a group called Healing Hearts. I had never heard of STS till many years later. It was very similar in format, though the thing it was missing was the memorial. It wasn’t until I wanted to work with post abortive women, we came across STS and in that first group I was able to experience the memorial for myself. I’m not sure where you are from, but here in Michigan we have something called the Garden of Hope. If you do a search on my blog, I have written a few posts on this. It was such a beautiful experience and whenever I go back there I can see my child’s name engraved in the stone there and that has continued to comfort me.
      As far as when I felt relief, everyone is different and there are different parts of the journey that are still emotional and you continue to heal even after doing the study. In my experience after lesson five, is when I start to see the relief on the faces of the women in my group. The bandaid has been ripped off and you are moving toward the great exchange where beauty comes from the ashes. The important thing to know is that this is a journey and you are being given the tools and when those feelings pop up that you feel shame or inadequacy, you know that you have been healed and that God has forgiven you. Forgiving myself was the hardest, but in the study it made it clear that I can’t forgive myself, but accept God’s forgiveness. There were people involved in my abortion that I had to also choose to forgive. I have had to revisit them many times after that and forgive them in my heart and give them back to God again and again. I don’t tell you this to discourage you, but to encourage you that what you are feeling is normal and what you might feel after this study is normal. Each time I have led this study, I have learned a little more about myself and things I still struggle with. Any bible study will bring those things up that we continue to struggle with. Keep going, I am praying and rooting for you!

    • Praying for you this week as you remember and write out your story. You are not alone, Christ will strengthen you. (Phil 4:13)

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