Monthly Archives: February 2013

loss of control

peru5

When you have an abortion, you feel the loss of control.  You lost control over what happened to your body when the life was sucked taken from you.  You didn’t realize what was going to happen, how you were going to feel.

They didn’t tell you what might happen with your emotions.  Their only words were: it’s only tissue, its a simple procedure, you will be fine, your life will be back to normal.

A steady cadence of lies.

Only now there is a new normal.  A post abortive normal that they never told you.  They didn’t tell you that one day you would be overcome by your grief.  That if you let it, it would swallow you up.  They didn’t tell you that anger would seep into the most unlikely places and you would end up hating yourself for what you did.  Not an easy dislike, but a deep, dark, hatred that infiltrated and poisoned my soul.

I have facilitated this study multiple times and I’m still amazed by what I learn.  This time around, I still see this loss of control and how that affected me.  I look at my life and see how I try to control every part of what happens in my bubble.  From big to little things.  I know part of it IS my personality, but a huge part of it is this loss of control I experienced with my abortion and the abuse I suffered.

I never wanted to feel that way again and so I promised myself that I would always be in control, I would never let anyone control me again.  I allowed myself to be bullied into this decision to abort (yes I still take responsibility for my choice).  But after that day, I vowed, I would be the one to decide my fate.  It will be my choice.

I am no where near as bad as I once was, but I still need work.  Healing comes in stages.  It has been over ten years into my journey and I continue to learn things about myself from that one incident over 20 years ago.

This life is a journey not a destination…

surrender part three

click here to see part one
click here to see part two

It has been really healing to watch these videos and hear other women’s stories of being post abortive.  I have especially been relating to one of the women who also did not have any children.  When she speaks, I hear parts of my story.  When people ask if she has any children, I see her uncomfortableness.  When I look at her, I see me.

I have not met many women that do not have children (after having an abortion), some are younger and don’t because they are not married yet they hope to.  But rarely do I see a women that is my age or older that does not have any children.

the drop box

I love it when I am moved. When someone’s testimony reaches into my heart and opens it up. I love that feeling of watching your heart beat outside of you (in someone else).

This story is about faith, hope, and LOVE.

Please watch this trailer of a movie titled “The Drop Box” and open your heart. There is so much power in one person rising above and making a difference.

you’re not alone

I have said it many times in many ways.  You are not alone.  But then this week I heard this melody sung by Jamie Grace and she can say it more beautiful than I.

Another sleepless night
She’s looking up and crying out
He’s just a little child
Can you stop his hurting now

It’s so quiet
But she hears in the silence

His arms are holding you
His love will see you through
When you smile and you laugh but you’re fakin’
Cause you don’t know how you’re gonna make it

You feel so much pain
And you can’t see your way
You’re not alone
You’re not alone

She’s tryna plan ahead
Unsure about the time left
Can’t let these moments pass
Instead she’ll treasure what she has

And when it’s quiet
She hears in the silence

These arms are holding you
And this love will see you through
When you smile and you laugh but you’re fakin’
Cause you don’t know how you’re gonna make it

You feel so much pain
And you can’t see your way

You’re not alone
You’re not alone
Alone

His arms are holding you
His love will see you through
When you try not to cry but to take it
All the stress, and the hurt and the heartache

You may feel pain
But not as great as His name
You’re not alone
No you’re not alone

bandaids

photoJeremiah 6:14  “They have healed the brokenness of my people superficially saying peace, peace but there is  no peace.”

This verse is in our Surrendering the Secret bible study.  I have facilitated this study about 7 times.  I have read the same words over and over.  Yet I was struck this time around by the truth of this verse.

After the abortion they put a bandaid on us and sent us back out.

We are not the same women that walked through the door looking for a solution.  We are different.  Hemorrhaging inside.

Peace they told us.  It’s just a blob of tissue they said.

But there was no peace.

surrender part two

click here to see part one