Monthly Archives: November 2012

violent past

I just finished writing a short story that I submitted to a contest today.  The whole story came from a smaller event that was actually true.  It was something I stuffed deep and one day it surfaced.

When  a friend was reading this story, I explained that this part was actually true.  He was angry for me.  It was comforting in a way, but also disturbing.  I was disturbed that I had hid it away, and just chocked it up to something normal that happens.  But it wasn’t and my story brought out this injustice.  I locked the truth so tight that I could almost imagine it hadn’t happened at all.

We all hide different things in our past and press them down under layers.  It’s not easy to talk about our stories because sometimes they are ugly, bloody scabs that try to heal but they don’t because we haven’t let them.  We rip off the bandaid and put something on top of it that just ends up infecting it worse.

I have another friend that likens the process to peeling off the layers of an onion, we deal with one thing at a time until we finally come to the core.  It think that best describes the post abortion healing process.  We peel back these layers and deal with one aspect of the abortion at a time.  It allows for God’s healing to soak in.

Like my friend, I am angry for you if you have had an abortion.  I want to fight for you and your feelings.  I want you to be able to surrender this secret.  To not be held captive by it any longer.  Break the chains that define and bind you!

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life is beautiful at any age

I went to see my grandma this week. It is hard to see her because the person we remember is fading from us. This time was especially hard because it was the first time she didn’t recognize me.

I am reminded that EVERY life is beautiful. I know it’s hard to watch what she is going through.  But despite this, I believe there are life lessons to be learned. Some may say it would be easier to put her to death…out of her misery.  But who says she is miserable.  She seemed somewhat content with her thoughts and surroundings.  We have an idea in our head what makes up a real life and we look at others who may have less and we wonder why were they ever born…they can’t do this or that.

Each of us is important.  Each of us has a purpose for our lives no matter how short or long we live.  No matter what imperfections we face.  We were all meant for greatness.

She is still teaching me something. How important it is to be faithful. To live in the moments we are given. To be present with those we love. Life is fleeting.  Those of us who still have breath should choose to live!

the battle within

Anger flies in on a gentle breeze when I least expect it. It doesn’t announce its silent mission. It penetrates the barriers I have put up. What I thought was a fortress, it easily demolishes. The warriors that have sworn to protect have fallen. It darkens my soul and my countenance easily wavers.

There is anger at the loss, anger at those involved, anger at the situation. But most of all there is anger at myself. I envision a character standing above, pointing a bony finger at me. “You chose incorrectly.” And I know I did. The pain and truth of the words cut through me severing my paths of what could have been. I am doomed to a life of imprisonment.

Anger comes and goes. Years of emptiness inside a tomb I created. Regret. Shame. Pain. They are the scars that come from the choice I have to bear. I am told I shouldn’t feel this way. I am told that it was a simple procedure. But my heart knows differently. My heart wants to feel the loss, but my mind contradicts. So the battle ensues.

White light crashes. It pierces the darkness. I feel the warmth. But cannot adjust my eyes to its brilliance. The truth seeps into the crevices of my soul, the empty places that have been broken open. Healing. Hope. Love. The two forces collide and the battle continues. The darkness cannot hide. The light penetrates.

The Great Exchange: Truth for lies. Freedom for the captive. Beauty instead of ashes. Gladness instead of mourning. Restoration instead of devastation.

What could I do? How can I repay? Nothing. Just love, forgive as I have forgiven and loved you.

children are parasites?

Today I learned that some believe that a child in the womb is a parasite. That until it breathes it’s first breath that is all it is.

I have to imagine that mothers excited to be pregnant and starting their family, this is probably not what they are thinking. I am certain that when they see their ultrasound pictures that is not what they see.

We see what we want to see. The pregnant woman sees their child. The abortion minded woman or pro-choice advocate does not want to see it as a baby.

I deal in truth and sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes we have lied so much to ourselves that uncovering and facing this truth is painful. But it is exactly in these painful moments that strengthen us.

Recently I watched a video called “The Silent Scream” I am not going to post it here because it is one of those things you have to be prepared to watch (you can watch it on youtube). An abortionist recorded an ultrasound guided abortion and when he and his nurse reviewed the tape they were so affected by what they saw neither one performed an abortion again.

I have come a long way from when I had my abortion almost 20 years ago. But when I watched this video it really showed me what I did. I watched as the fetus moved away from the instruments. It had nowhere to hide. It broke my heart what my child had to endure.

I don’t think this is a political issue. This is a human issue. When we lie to ourselves we only cover up layers with more layers.

The truth changes us. When we know the truth it can set us free.

meet blaze…a light-hearted 100th!! post

I thought I would post something lighthearted for my 100th post!!  I have to say I am a little proud of myself for sticking this out.  I didn’t know what I was getting myself into and it’s not easy to put yourself out there.  But this journey has been better than I could have imagined.  In some ways further healing if that is all possible.

As promised…

Meet Blaze:  He is my red lab.  In some ways he is a lifesaver.  Always at my side (when I have food it seems), but he is a lover at heart and will cuddle without fail in the morning hours when my alarm begs me to get up.  Which is way too early.

We went to “look” for a puppy when our 8 year old chocolate lab passed away suddenly leaving us heartbroken.  The floors that once echoed the “click, click, click” of paws was silent.  The hardest part of putting your dog down is coming home to the empty house.

Lets just say…you don’t “look” for a puppy.  You get a puppy.  There really is not an ugly lab puppy.  The hardest part is picking which one.  My husband thought it would be too hard to have another chocolate lab so we ended up choosing the last red lab in the litter.

He loves water.  It doesn’t matter how much or how little.  He found one of the only mud puddles in the dog park.  He rolled around in it like a pig. To say he loves water doesn’t do it justice.  He is obsessed with water.

He is so lazy which makes it nice to cuddle

He has clown-like expression and can make you laugh

Lazy…Crazy…Blazy…

exchanging the lie for truth

I came across this yesterday.  It is going to be a video series that tells the stories of five women as they go through post-abortion recovery.  This won’t start until January 2013, but here is a short promo.

For those of us who are post abortive, it is a good way to relate to other women without actually exposing yourself.  When we listen to other people tell their story and it sounds similar to ours we can begin to realize we are not crazy.  The truth can conquer all the lies we have told ourselves.

twin lives through an abortion

This is a beautiful story…

A young girl finds herself pregnant at 13 years old.  Her mother sends her to an abortion clinic.  She has the abortion.  But finds out later that she is still pregnant.

She was carrying twins.
She chose life for the second child.

The video story is told from that child’s perspective.