Monthly Archives: October 2012

abortion cruise ships

My great grandparents immigrated from the Netherlands in the 1940’s to provide a better life for their children.  My grandfather was a great story teller.  I hold tight to the stories he would tell me about the old country and WWII.

It saddened me this week to find out that there is an organization founded in the Netherlands that sails around to different countries and provide abortions to women where it is illegal in their country.  They keep the ship in international waters (12 miles off the shore) where the local laws do not apply.

I don’t think my grandfather would be proud.

I know they think they are doing the right thing by providing “safe” abortions.  A lot of these women have been raped and tried to rid themselves of the baby by using sharp objects and other dangerous means.

There really is no such things as a safe abortion.  You might solve the initial problem, but you create a bigger problem.  On their website they have “Abortion Myths”…

People who are against free choice create many myths about abortion which have never been proven. 

Psychological problems: for most women the decision to have an abortion is difficult and may provoke feelings of sadness or guilt. Still, most women also feel relieved afterward. There is no evidence of increased risk of long term ‘post-abortion’ stress, depression or anxiety, or any other psychological illness.

There is a lot of truth to feeling relieved afterward.  Though I beg to differ that there is MORE evidence that there is such a thing as Post-Abortion stress than not.  There needs to be more truth out there about what an abortion does to you.  Instead they say you are not supposed to feel this way and have washed their hands of you.  I am confused why they can’t validate our feelings that we did have an abortion and it was a mistake.

It is probable that you are going to feel relief initially.  But a lot of you are also going to feel a sting deep in your soul.  You might not even recognize it at first.  It might take time.  But it comes out in your actions, your thoughts, your emotions, your words.  I know because it did to me.  It took me ten years to finally look back and see the trail of destruction abortion left behind.

But there is always Hope.  Don’t give up.  Rise above those feelings and seek help and healing.  There are many groups out there that can help you.  There are many out there like us and it feels good to fellowship with other women who are feeling the same way.

You can find restoration and redemption.  I did.

more than just a child

I am privileged to work with a ministry that cares beyond the “choice”.   We understand that at the center of this there is a mother, father, and a child.  It’s more about after they have made their choice, what can we do to help them in their next step.

If she aborts we shower her with compassion, invite her to our healing groups.
If she chooses life and the circumstances are bleak we throw a shower for her.
If she needs a place to live because her family will not have her.  We have that too.  There really isn’t anything we wouldn’t do to help.

It is an honor to serve with such wonderful men and women who instead of shaming me for my choices have lavished love on me.


notes from the sidewalk


October 29, 2004
I was smart and brought a thermos.  Unfortunately I didn’t need it because it was almost 70 degrees!  It had been raining all day and it was still misting, but at least we were able to be hands free from umbrellas.  

I was driving to the clinic from work and there was a man standing on the corner selling roses.  With it being warm outside my window was rolled down.  I watched as he talked with his helper asking him to give me a rose, and then he walked over himself and also gave me a rose.  I was taken back by the sweet gesture.

I could give one to my sister when I met her at the clinic and that would cheer her up.  Then it hit me, we could give these to a couple of the girls going into the clinic.  A very small token to show them that they are worth so much more.  

It is funny how God works.

So we stood on the sidewalk,  flowers and literature in hand.  But no one was willing to talk with us today.  We left that night not handing out a single piece of literature and roses still in our hands.  We sprinkled the rose petals into the puddles and left them floating in remembrance to those souls who died and were darkened today.

i’m coming out of my shell! (look out!)


I think I have grown a lot this past week.  When real life slaps you in the face I think growth tends to follow.

It’s painful.

If I look back in my life the largest growth came out of some wretched moments that I gasp and feel the pain for a moment.  Then I remember I am past that and the peace flows through.  I wonder how I survived.  But I did.  I am here to shout about it.

So don’t give up.  I could spout that the light is at the end of the tunnel, or that the sun always comes up in the morning.  But you know that.  When you are in the thick of it all you can’t see past it.  So don’t.  Remember it.  Because when you are finally past it and look back, you will see how far you’ve come.  It can also keep you from repeating those mistakes.

Experience life.  Don’t hide in your shell.

life slipped through my fingers

As I lay awake the other night these words in my title came to me.  It reminded me how tightly we hold on to life, but still it slips through our fingers.

Life is a beautiful gift.

I looked back to when I was a teenager and how much I wanted to be done, gone, dead.  I thought THEN people would miss me, THEN they would love me.  I didn’t realize how precious life is.  How my worth should not be found in how others view/treat me.  This week made me realize how important it is to really LOVE.  Not just say it, but do it.  (James 1:22)

A lot of important choices are made in the darkest hours of our lives.    It is what we do with the consequences of these decisions that allow us to grow.  My choice to abort left me with a deep loss in my soul.  I experienced morning sickness, the brief elation of having a child growing in me, the possible hopes and dreams.  But at the end, my hands remained empty and a part of me died that day.

Life slipped through my fingers.

But I am teachable.  As I have said this is not the end of my story, only a part of it. Real life is in all these moments that we store up and treasure and in the people we take time to get to know and love.  Real life is what we do with those choices or circumstances that break us.

multiple abortions

I was thinking the other day and it struck me.  I don’t think I have written about women who have had multiple abortions.

From some of the groups I have led, there have been plenty of women that have had multiple abortions.  I have seen the shame and heartache on their faces.  I have heard the despair in their voices when they tell us that they were only going to admit to the one abortion and keep the 2nd or 3rd a secret.  They tell me that they feel lower than a woman who has had only one abortion.

This is simply not true!

Luckily one of our leaders has had multiple abortions and also a lady on the video  we watch shares her experience and that allows these women to open up and speak about it.  It is part of them and their story and as equally important in their healing.

There is hope and forgiveness.  It is the same for you as it was for me.  I speak about my experience that happens to only include one abortion.  It is a miracle that is all I had.  I was by no means responsible and could have easily put myself in a situation where I would have to make that choice again.

We might look different, but we are the same.


But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.  1 Corinthians 15:10a

“without effect” is the greek word kenos.  Kenos means empty, vain, useless, lacking or hollow.

Hollow is the best word to describe my life after some pretty dark years.  Years in which more than just the abortion took place.  Empty is another word that would describe me.  I was an empty, hollow shell of a woman walking around.

But then one day changed my life.  My aunt invited me to her church.  I didn’t want to go.  I was comfortable where I was at.  I may have looked like a pig in it’s pigpen, but it was all I knew.  I was secure in my unhappiness.  I don’t even know why that makes sense.

It would be years after this day that I would be introduced to another person that shared their story of abortion with me.  It was through this sharing that grace began to make sense.  His grace to me was not without effect.  His grace filled up the empty hollow places in me.  Filled them up.  Out of this abundance I am able to overflow and share with other women.

There is no more suffering in silence, but speaking life.