Monthly Archives: July 2012


I was asked today how often I think about my abortion.

I didn’t really know the answer.  First, I think about post abortive women almost daily.  I think about what to write on my blog, if I have anything to add about my healing journey.  Is there any part of my story that can help them.

But the actual abortion and my lack of children.  I’m not quite sure how to answer that.  I know I think about it every mother’s day and random days throughout the year.  But that deep sharp pain that comes from revisiting that experience of being in the clinic and going through the motions…really that only hits me from time to time.  Whenever I allow myself to go there.  It’s not something I want to remember often.

When I do revisit, I have found the more I am able to talk about it…the less power it has over me and I am ok with that. 🙂

i consider it all loss

Philippians 3:8

More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,

I was talking with my aunt last night and we were going over our family tree for some relatives in the Netherlands.  It was not just names, but stories that came out and we both commented how history had a way of repeating itself throughout the years.

We talked about choices, but this morning I started thinking more of the choices I made and how each of them impacted and ultimately brought me to where I am.  It can get a little depressing when you start thinking of all the “if only’s”.

But am I unhappy with me now?  The real answer is no.

This led me to wonder if I did make all the choices I think I should have made…I, possibly, wouldn’t have made the one choice I have NEVER regretted which was Jesus.

A lot of choices in my life have left me empty, alone, beaten, raped, violated, and dejected.  But choosing Jesus filled me up, gave me hope, and a future.

All this brings me to the verse that popped into my head and brought everything together (that, and these two rainbows I saw this morning).  I consider everything loss except for choosing Christ; I cling to that truth, because it’s the only truth that has not broken.  It’s remained faithful and strong.  I can’t say I wouldn’t have ended up where I am now.  But it does make it easier to not regret, but be thankful for all that has gotten me to this point.


Surrendering the Secret is one of the great studies out there to help you heal from an abortion.

As a facilitator of this study, what I like the most are the video sessions.  In these video sessions you meet more women that are like you and me.  Bringing more women into the study reinforces that you are not alone.  I also like that the women are from all different walks of life, and had their abortions for different reasons and at different times.  There are also women that can relate to those that have had multiple abortions.

When it comes to multiple abortions, women think they are the worst of the worst.  Women actually think that mentioning one is ok, but that second or third…well, they don’t want to be that women.  I like that this helps these women realize that there are more women like them.

I like to shatter these lies that we tell ourselves.  This study was one of the tools that helped me do just that.

This really resonated with me. It’s easy to forget these things happen, but they do and it’s good to remember so we don’t repeat or stick our head in the sand.

The Audacity of Life



I recall standing in front of a monument in the south part of the Phnom Penh, Cambodia at the entry way of the Killing Fields. The monument commemorates 2 – 3 million people that were slaughtered during the Pol Pot regime in the mid 70’s. They killed people for no other reason than wearing glasses, which meant you could read or had an education. If you were a professor, or doctor, anyone who was able to train or teach others were eliminated immediately and they continued to kill people for no reason whatsoever other than for being a potential threat to the regime.

As I walked through the killing fields, I couldn’t help but be captivated by the horror that took place there. If you were with me you would see large holes, mass graves, where people were brought in large numbers and were killed in mass and buried…

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healing continued…

The song on my last post “the healing has begun” says a lot.  We make sure they understand this when we part ways after our six week study and retreat weekend.

We only scratch the surface in the six weeks we are together.  The healing has only begun and will continue on in different forms.  Some women have never told their husbands of an abortion in their past.  They have held on to this deep dark secret.  Finally letting this secret go can be healing.

Sometimes it’s the people or circumstances we tend to hold on to.  The ones we can’t forgive who helped in this choice for us to abort.  If we hold on too tightly, this can turn into bitterness.  I think letting go of these people and forgiving is very healing.

I can’t stress enough how unique we are and how healing is different for everyone at different stages in this journey.  It took me years and years to continually forgive one person that was involved in my abortion.  Sometimes those feelings come bubbling back up, but I remember that I have chosen to forgive and let go.  They have no power over me anymore.

Like the sunrise every day dawns with new life and new possibilities. 🙂

healing has begun


it’s for real

I was thinking today, if I were to tell someone after an abortion about what they are feeling I would tell them it’s for real.  Everything they are feeling it is real not in their head.  That they should feel what they feel.  No matter what situation, background, religion you come from the feelings are real and should not be denied.

We can get so caught up in what we think we should be feeling or what others think we should be feeling.  We are all individuals and are going to experience things differently.  I have noticed in talking with other post abortive women we do seem to experience similar emotions and though our circumstances can be worlds apart, we still have a bond that seems to link us together.

It doesn’t help when well meaning friends and family tell us to get over it.  There comes a point when we can and will rise above the pain and ache, but we will never get over it.  We will never leave behind the emptiness in our soul over what we did.  We might be able to live with ourselves again and the rawness will comes and go.  There is still a twinge when people ask me if I have any children.  Like a snap of the fingers, I am brought back to that choice I made almost 20 years ago.

There is no right way or wrong way, just your way.