oaks of righteousness

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.  Isaiah 61:3b

Strength is what I long for on the days when inside I feel alone and weak.  When my emotions run high or low and nothing can comfort.  When there are no words and I have no confidence.  The days I want to give up and just go to bed.  When nothing seems right and every step wrong.

It’s in these moments, or in the days to come when I remember this verse that I love.  I want to be an oak.  Strong, sturdy, able to withstand the wind and fire.  To bring new life every spring and to rest every winter.   I want my roots to bury deeper into the knowledge of God and my branches reach out to shelter and comfort others.  I realize that I cannot do this on my own, my strength is at best weak.  I need to remember to call upon the one that healed me and comforted me in my time of need when no one else could.  When no one could say the words I needed to hear.  I heard His words.

My healing journey hasn’t been easy and it still continues, but the truth God has imparted on me remains a constant.  I have received beauty from the ashes, freedom for the captives, comfort for my mourning, my broken heart bound.  He has restored the places long devastated, rebuilt the ancient ruins.  He loved me when I was nothing and raised me up out of the miry pit and put my feet upon solid ground.  He gave me life when I was dead.  Yes, that is what I want to remember.

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notes from the sidewalk

December 17, 2004
It had snowed all week, but luckily not today.  Although we stood in a snowbank, we were filled with hope of the coming night.  When we got there no one but the security guard’s, we’ll call him Robert, car was in the backlot.  We wondered if anyone was coming or if they were open.  The front sign wasn’t lit.  We walked to the back again and there were more cars (probably coming in the back way) and mostly were workers, still no “customer’s”. But slowly they began arriving.  A young lady picked through the literature we had until she found the one she wanted.  It was the one that was titled “What God says about abortion.” 

My sister had a gift bag for Robert with gloves inside and a letter.  We hoped he would receive it in the manner it was given and to show that we are not his enemy.

A station wagon pulled up and the man went in.  When he came out they left.  We found it quite odd, but didn’t think too much of it.  We thought maybe he was getting a 24hr notice, but the couple was fairly old.  A little while later it all became clear when he came back.  We were able to give him literature and he stood outside his car with the mother/wife inside the car.  He was waiting for someone.  That someone pulled up, his daughter (we think).  He gave her the 24hr form, shook the guy’s hand, hugged his daughter and off they went inside the clinic.  A sad story watching on as three generations were destroyed that day.

 

thank you

It has been close to six months since I started this blog.  Being the perfectionist that I am, I didn’t even know if I would make it past the first entry, let alone the subsequent entries.  But somehow, despite my editing, constant critiquing, and over analyzing, (even now I am trying to decide which of these three words should go first, second, and third. Really?) I have made it close to 70 posts.

It really started out as a way to discipline myself as a writer, break my silence and share my story, but it has turned into a bit more than I thought.  I have enjoyed reading what others have been writing, doing, learning.  In some ways it has given me further insight into my own struggles, even just knowing that I am not alone in this fight.

OK it sounds like I am leaving or dying…neither of which are true.  I really just wanted to say thank-you.  You all have encouraged me, pushed me on, and pulled me through (apparently I must write in groups of three).  My wings were once delicate like a dragon fly and I feared they might tear and I would plummet to the ground.  They are still delicate, but instead of fear, I am enjoying the journey and the view isn’t too bad either. 🙂

breaking through

I am amazed at how life twists and turns.  Twenty years ago this month I would leave Michigan for what I thought would be the adventure of a life time.  It would end with what I call “the dark years” which included a lot of abuse, tears, and loss.  Any innocence I had left was lost during those years.

But like the weeds that break through those cracks in the concrete I survived.  I kept poking my head up toward the sun.  I learned a lot in those years.  Some were hard lessons, but I embrace them because they changed me and made me who I am today.

I truly believe that the years the locusts have eaten are being returned to me.  I have met many beautiful, wonderful women who are hurting from abortion.  Walking along side them melds us together and we find hope and healing in this journey.  The journey is just that…we don’t arrive, but we keep pressing on.

Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

rebekah hope

Many years after my abortion I was given the opportunity to grieve and say goodbye to my child. I think that is one of the hardest things about abortion. Society says its ok, its just a blob of tissue, its nothing. Maybe we even agreed at one time. But afterward some of us know and feel differently.

When we make this choice we feel we must live with it. And in a sense we must do just that. The reality is that when you are pregnant, next comes a baby. It’s hard to deny these facts, although we are really good at stuffing it way down. I think one of the hurdles and what took me years to realize was it was ok to grieve. It was ok to say goodbye. It was ok to let her go in a sense. At our memorial ceremony we choose a flower that best represents our child.

The flower I chose was a gerber daisy. I sit here and wonder why I chose that particular flower. It stands tall, brave, big, bright, engaging, beautiful, open, outgoing, it exudes energy.  It represents the hope, expectations, loss, love, yearning.  All that in a flower.  It is everything I am not and everything I would have hoped for in a little “me”.

a simple test

I was in walgreens getting some random items while on vacation and the strangest thing happened.  A young lady came up to me.

“Excuse me,” she said.  “Can you show me where the pregnancy tests are?”

Me in my ocean beach gear wondered why she was asking me this.  She was so young and at that moment there were so many things I wanted to say to her, to ask her.  I was out of my element though.  I didn’t know where to direct her or tell her where there was a pregnancy resource center.  Ask her if she was ok.  So I just directed her to the pregnancy tests and prayed about her since that day.

She is still on my mind.  I watched her walk out of there.  Her small silhouette hidden by an extra large sweatshirt, her face shielded by the raised hood.  She looked like she wanted to melt into the background.

In the end I know it isn’t up to me to “save” everyone.  We all have our own walk, path, choices and decisions to make in this life.

return

Well I am back from my hiatus (somehow I spelled that correctly). 🙂

While in Florida we were able to experience the outer edge of a tropical storm.  I was in awe looking up and watching the clouds rotation just like they show it on the weather map.  Being a northern girl, we don’t get much of that here.

This storm produced a lot of wind and great waves.  The wind was so powerful that it blew the tops off the waves producing a white spray.  The tide was so forceful as it devoured the beach spitting out seaweed and debris as it retreated.  Amidst all that chaos there is something soothing about the oceans ebb and flow.  It regenerates me.  We would sit in our beach chairs at night under the starry sky and listen.  Sometimes talk, but mostly listen as the waves roll in and roll out. The sizzling hiss at the waves fizzled out along the shoreline.  I can be lulled to sleep by that sound (and probably was). 🙂