Monthly Archives: May 2012

Internet Issues

Internet hasn’t been working here, except for the smart phone. I’m taking it as a little hint and taking a blogging break until I get back.

Blogging from a smart phone isn’t very fun.

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the ocean

This is my view for the next nine days.

Sounds of the Ocean

The ocean is so mystifying and so beautiful
a huge body of water so deep and so wide
the waves have a melody all their own
a rhythmic song as they crash on the shore
singing their tune all night and all day
The ocean is so mystifying And so beautiful

tears in a bottle

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

This is one of my favorite verses.  I can think of some of my sorrows, most I don’t want to remember.   But there is some comfort that none of my tears have ever been lost or forgotten.

purpose

I am reminded once again how such a curse in my life turned into a blessing.

I know it sounds strange, but in some ways I am thankful to be able to relate to other women that have had an abortion.  To be able to say I have been there and you will be ok.  Yes it’s not easy, yes it will always be there.  But…you are not alone.  What you are feeling is normal.  There is healing on the other side.  There is hope.

I have met so many beautiful people and I don’t mean just on the outside, but on the inside.  Beautiful women that one desperate choice left them hurting and alone in their pain and shame.

There are a lot of things we do out of fear.  I want to conquer that fear with every woman I talk with.

I pray I honor my child with every woman I meet.

a prayer

August, 2004
Dear Lord,

Every time I look back on that day, I cringe.  I am instantly transformed to that helpless girl who couldn’t stand up for herself and her child.  I wish that I could replace that girl with who I have become since, but I can’t.  Lord, it is only through your strength that I can bear to acknowledge that I killed my own baby.  Regardless of how I saw it then or how I rationalize it now, it was murder.  I think about the tiny innocent child that you had begun to form inside me.  I think about  the decision to rip it from my womb.  I feel as if I am on the outside looking in.  Who was I then?  Who am I now?  Please help me to grieve, help me to release myself from the prison I have placed myself in.  Who am I to think that I could punish myself better than you can.  I am so scared to feel the pain, scared to feel the agony, scared to admit I am helpless.  You are a just GOD and I place myself at your mercy and grace.  Fill me with peace, wash me completely of this sin.  Deliver me from the evil that has such a tight grasp on me.  I thank you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you will be.

-Amen

mother’s day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and it’s a little bittersweet.  It never really hit me until I started going to church and they honored the mother’s by having them stand up or giving them a flower.  I realized I would never have that honor of being a mother.  No child to call my own and nothing that’s a part of me that I can send off into this world and hopefully send a piece of myself to the next generation.

So when I see them stand, as they should, and be honored, as they deserve.  I feel this twinge inside me.  Guilt of what I had done with what I had been given.  I try to ignore it.  But how can I?  How do I ignore something that is right there.  A feeling deep in my gut.

But I know the truth.  It’s in there.  Even though the guilt will sneak in from time to time.  The truth prevails.  Truth tells me that I have been forgiven.  Truth tells me that I am a mother (of sorts) to my nieces and nephew.  Truth tells me that I have many opportunities to be a mother still.  Though it’s not the same, it can be just as rewarding.  Instead of my life becoming a nasty, dirty, mucky pit.  I have been redeemed and I can truly say that my life has been restored from the years the locusts have eaten.  I can look back on the path I have been on.  It’s not perfect but it has beauty.  It’s not easy but it is rewarding beyond anything I have ever done.

Truth defeated all the lies.  Truth slew the dragon.

joshua 1:9

8 Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

“Be strong and courageous…”  This has always given me hope when I have most needed it.  This ministry that I am a part of and that desire deep to help other women can leave me feeling discouraged at times.  Sometimes I feel doubt and despair creep up on me.  But I need to remember that it is God at work here and that everything happens in His timing.  Most of all I need to remember not to be discouraged, but be strong and courageous for He is with me wherever I go.

“…I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”  Matthew 17:20