Monthly Archives: April 2012

bowling for abortions?

Last week I took a look over some other abortion blogs both pro and anti.  I like to see what people are saying.  One blog led me to a website that made me sick to my stomach.

They actually hold fundraisers for abortions.

There are those that raise money to cure cancer, world hunger, and to provide clean water for those who have none.  And abortions?

The site had a picture of a young woman with a big grin pointing at the bowling trophy she won.  A bowl-a-thon to help provide abortion services.

Why not use the money to HELP these women rather than harm them?

There are plenty of questions with this topic and I don’t have all the answers.  But I am sure that raising money for abortions is not a solution.

just a mist

I have been mulling over what to write all day.  The word Blessed keeps coming to mind.

When I look back through my life I can see God’s fingerprints and blessings that interweave into a quilted tapestry that only the One True God can create.  I see the miry depths of darkness that he traveled just for me.  To pull me up and stand me upright.  To call me as his own and give me wings and tell me to fly.  To shatter the scales that had built up over my eyes and helped me truly see.

Sometimes I take this for granted.  Other times the guilt doubles me over and then I remember that still small voice that tells me I am forgiven and set free.  I am no longer defined by these fleeting moments in my past.

Like it says in James 4:14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

I want the mist in my life to matter and maybe just a day of thinking of all the blessings will help me to keep that in perspective.

love never fails


Two summers ago we did a bible study and I always find myself thinking of this verse:

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I try and remember in all that I do.  Love.

make the blind see – part three

some random final thoughts…

There comes a time in our lives, I believe, when head knowledge crashes into heart knowledge.  When these two collide, truth and reality set in.  They merge together in a misshapen dance of sorts until truths tentacles sink into the heart and an aha moment appears.  When you really know, what you know, what you know.  It’s easy to give advice and to tout your knowledge and give anecdotes and there isn’t anything wrong with that.  But something about my journey has woken me up to the truth inside me.  I know what these women have gone through.  I have once walked in their footsteps.  I sat in the chairs they sit in, with similar thoughts in my head.  Even wishing for someone that would save me at the 11th hour and wisk me away to a safe place.  Someone to say I was wrong…we can do this.  And the moments afterward that were filled with loss, shame, hatred.  These moments we experience and heal from, they make us good witnesses to the grace of God.  I am no better than anyone else.  I am a jumbled mess, but I keep on pressing on.

make the blind to see – part two

A story.

My sister was sidewalk counseling one Friday. It was soon after she had been given the news that she was pregnant.  It wasn’t happy news.  It was unplanned.  She already had two children and physically, mentally, financially was not ready to support a third.  Yet, still here it was.  Reality.  She couldn’t undo it.  There was no danger of an abortion, but in those minutes after receiving the news her mind raced:  This can’t be happening.  I’m not ready to do this.  How are we going to make it?  How can I give my love to a third child?  In those moments she felt a thousand doubts creep up inside of her.

God placed the right person at the clinic at the right time.

A young girl and her husband pulled into the wrong side of the clinic and my sister was able to go over and talk to them.  Because they had drove a distance to come to this clinic she also had her ten month son with her.  The young girl shared how she didn’t think she could love another child.  She was scared it would take away from the relationship she already had with her son.  Her husband  sat quietly with their son playing in the minivan.  She confided that her husband didn’t want her to have the abortion, but he would go along with her choice.

Because of the child my sister was now carrying she was able to share her own fears of what she had been going through.  After three hours of talking, questioning, and deliberating, this girl decided to choose life.  My sister kept in contact with her for a while after both their children were born and she was very grateful to have made this choice.

Fear drives us to do a lot of things we wouldn’t do under normal circumstances.  I see my sister and my niece that came out of that situation and I wouldn’t trade that little spit fire for anything.  She completes our family.  There would have always been a piece missing.  Sometimes I think that’s what I feel.  I feel a piece is missing from my family puzzle.  It’s not something I can get back in this lifetime.  It’s lost, but not everything is lost forever.

I still have hope.  Which is why I named my child Rebekah Hope and it’s also why my niece’s middle name is Hope.  One day my sister can tell her the story of how she saved a life before she was even born.  My sister say’s I am her hero, but she blessed me with wonderful children that brighten up my life and that makes her my hero.

make the blind to see – part one

I get upset with people that make statements like, “I don’t know how anyone could have an abortion”.  Sure they are entitled their opinion, but I think it goes further than that.  I think they are blinded by their own ideals.

Many years ago I was in my writers group  and somehow abortion was brought up and this statement was spoken.  I knew this gentle eighty year old lady, so I knew she wasn’t trying to be vindictive by her statement.  But I remember getting really warm as the anger started to bubble inside.  Without letting her know I was post abortive, I defended myself.  I wanted her to see past her idyllic life and see things through our eyes.

You don’t know where we have been and you don’t know the stresses we were under.  You don’t know the darkness and the scales that were on our eyes.  These decisions weren’t easy or taken lightly.  This doesn’t just apply to abortion…we make these types of statements about anything in our culture we don’t understand or agree with.  We shouldn’t.  We don’t know where people have been.  The truth is a lot less black and white.

We need compassion.

I guess that’s why I wanted to be a sidewalk counselor.  I could relate, I knew what brought them there.  I also knew the heartbreak that would follow.  Not only could I see things through their eyes I could share my pain, loss, and hope.

Acts 9:18  Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again.

we forgive you

This song was given to me in an email.  It is a beautiful song full of hope for those like me who suffer from a past abortion.  You can find it and other songs for specific topics on his website:

I also found this interesting dance group that uses this song to promote life by using ballet and dancing to this song.  Even if you don’t like ballet you can still listen to the words and music of the song.

We Forgive You – Steve Siler

Would it have been a girl with a diamond smile
Or a darling boy with a dimpled chin
Is it past and still it makes you cry
Wishing you could have that choice again
Your heart aches everyday for what might have been
You blame yourself for what can never be
You can’t begin to hope or dare believe that such a loss could ever be redeemed You’ve been so alone
You’ve felt so ashamed
In the midst of your confusion this is what you need to hear today

We forgive you
Your child is safe with me
And I’m holding your child close each time you pray
Please surrender the guilt of your past and be free
We still love you
We forgive you

Every time you hear a child at play
Or see the glowing eyes of a mom to me
Old regrets crash in like tidal waves
Cause you believe the hidden tragedy
So harsh and so cold
You felt you had no choice
When you can believe you find compassion
Just close your eyes and hear my voice

We forgive you
Your child is safe with me
And I’m holding your child close each time you pray
Please surrender the guilt of your past and be free
We still love you
We forgive you

Above all else
Please forgive yourself
Your child is not alone
Heaven is our home
We still love you
We forgive you

the forgotten fathers

My sister and I were recently talking about our time on the sidewalk and we seem to gravitate to the day where a young man was escorting his girlfriend inside the clinic.  With men it’s hard to know what their reaction will be to our presence and questions, though most of them have been polite and quiet.

This particular man came back out of the clinic.  He had a formidable presence. But my brave sister offered him literature.  He came over and talked to us.  We tried to offer hope and help.  He explained that he was opposed to this abortion.  He had tried many attempts to encourage her to have this child.  He had offered her money, support.  He had tried everything but she insisted on the abortion.  He left to go sit in his car.

What my sister saw next would haunt her.  This large linebacker of a man hunched over the steering wheel in his car, his shoulders shaking.  When he raised his head she remembers seeing his face in the soft light from the street lights…and the glint from his silent tears.

I know how abortion affects me as a woman, but it must affect men too.  We talk a lot about women who are forced by their boyfriends to have an abortion.  But how many men have wanted to support their girlfriend and their child.  How many men also suffer from this simple choice?  A choice they might not have been able to make.

truth of the week

The truth of the week is from

east to west

One of the things we use at our memorial service is this verse.

Psalm 103:11-12

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

When I was reading Mark Hall’s book, “Your Own Jesus”, Mark tells the story how a teacher explained this verse to him and it stuck with him.  Once I heard this I knew I wanted to use it in our memorial service.

This is how he described it:

“There is a reason God used east to west to describe how far he cast your sin from you.  If you go north, you can only go north so far until you’re finally going south.  And you can only go south so far until your going north.   But if you start traveling east, it keeps going east forever, and west just keeps going west.  If you think about it, you’re never going to go so far west that you’re going east.  That is how far he cast our sin from us.”

What did that mean to me?  I know all sin is equal in the eyes of God, but abortion in some respects felt like the ultimate SIN.  I know it isn’t.  But when you hold on to this dark secret for years it begins to take over.  You know your forgiven for that lie and maybe yelling at your mom that one time.  But is it possible to be forgiven for taking the life of my child?  Even if it’s possible to be forgiven, can I forgive myself?

But I didn’t need to forgive myself, but accept the forgiveness God already had given me.  I inform, speak, and share my story because I want people to know from the depths I was lifted up.  I want other women to experience the freedom I have.  It hasn’t been an easy journey at times, but I am not going back.

The truth keeps me free.