Monthly Archives: March 2012

the Word

You have given all that you are and all that you have
that you might save a wandering soul like me
All I have to do is ask and receive this simple gift
But yet I keep wandering, searching, and looking
in everything and everyone I meet
Fooling myself that I might find what I seek
and yet in the end I turn to you because to my heart
You hold the key and you hold the power to unlock the
darkened caverns of my past
You alone can repair and bring into the light the darkness
That keeps me captive in my own selfish prison
Your word is living, alive, and active
Your word is like a double-edged sword
It can slice through the lies that I have been tortured with for so long
It can replace the lies with your truth
I feel I am on the path towards freedom—leaving these things behind
Things that I have held on to for so long
I turn around and watch them disappear into your blinding light
I feel your warmth surround me as the layers slowly drip off me
Tumbling back into the darkness from where they came
I am lost without you and with you I will never be lost again
Who am I to punish myself—what pride must I have to not
Accept this gift of freedom, a simple gift that cost your life
What love you must have, your life for mine
I accept this gift of forgiveness that is worth more than riches
It’s worth more than life itself because in believing I can truly live
Knit me back together for I am in your womb now
knit me so that I am whole again—so that I may be who you created me to be
You heard my fits of rage
You see the horrors in my mind
You felt my pain and agony
You heard me when I cried out
You walked in my shoes
You were tortured
You were crucified
You were beaten
Yet you endured it all for me
You saved me
You freed me
You forgave me
You love me
You are Jesus Christ the son of the Living God

John 1:1-5

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.


I was once afraid.  My secret held tight in the depths of my soul.  I felt defined by it.  Everything I did or didn’t do seemed to wrap around the one choice I made in my life when I was eighteen.

But then I found freedom.  Freedom in healing. Freedom in the shadow of the wings God promised to shelter me with.  Freedom in sharing this secret.

I have learned though that there are still others who fear.  Others that don’t want to be involved in such a “political” issue.  I see it less as a political issue and more like a human issue.

I shout out my life, my experience, my emotions.  I shout out what God has done for me.  Others seek the darkness and shadows out of fear.  I continue to seek the light.  Because in the light I don’t have to hide or pretend.  In the light I am free to live.  In the light God’s grace is real and far reaching.

In the light I will continue to stomp fear.

notes from the sidewalk

February 25, 2005
People began arriving as soon as we got there.  I forgot the thermos at home, so my husband brought us some hot water for our tea (our attempt to keep the chill off).  That was when a car pulled up with a “love wins” bumper sticker.  This sticker had been passed out during a sermon at our church.

A young man and a lady got out of the car.  My sister tried speaking to them – asking them if they went to “that” church and telling them we could help them.  Jesus could help them.  He told us that it was hard enough what they were doing.  They didn’t want our input.  We prayed hard the rest of the night for a second chance with them.  There was more we wanted to say.  More help we wanted to offer them.  Sadly though they never returned.  They didn’t leave their spot inside the clinic.  We prayed as the time got nearer that God would speak to his heart to choose life.

We were able to get information into one other hand.  Someone that was picking up their 24 hour notice.  

No one else would take information.

We watched another couple walk up the sidewalk.  The young man trailing his girlfriend.  He looked at us with a half-smile seemingly reluctant with their decision.  A while later he came outside the clinic and before he went back in, he stared at us for what seemed like a long time.  We were unable to speak with him – only pray and hope that God would fill his heart, all their hearts.  If not that day…then someday.

another review

I can’t really say enough about this movie.  I went last night to opening night to see it a second time.  It was moving and powerful in so many ways.

One scene that always gets me is the love the father has for his daughter.  While the daughter is feeling alone, confused, and unwanted…yet the father makes every attempt to show his daughter how much he loves her, wants to protect her, that he would do anything for her, and finally that he wanted her.  This is something I missed.

There is another scene that always gets me, but I really don’t want to give anything away.  It’s toward the end with the birth mother who made the choice to abort her child that resulted in the failed abortion.  It is the grief, the desire for forgiveness, the righting of the wrong that this scene drives a powerful punch right into my heart (in a good way).  It also helps knowing the back story of the actor Shari Rigby that really brings authenticity to this scene.

If you haven’t, visit their website and go see this movie…

truth of the week

Well it’s time for Truth of the Week.  I feel like I need a super hero voice that echoes when I say that.  🙂

Today I wanted to touch of Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.  I know it seems like we put a name on everything.  But from my own experience these symptoms are real.

Not everyone who has had an abortion has any or all of these symptoms.  Some show up right away, some bleed into our life slowly as I have experienced.  And since it is my blog and I am putting myself out there…I thought I would take the risk and put the symptoms I had in bold.

When the reactions and feelings in the first 3 months following an abortion are severe, causing such problems as:

  • Self-harm, strong suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts
  • Increase in dangerous and/or unhealthy activities (alcohol/drug abuse, anorexia/bulimia, compulsive over-eating, cutting, casual and indifferent sex and other inappropriate risk-taking behaviors)
  • Depression that is stronger than just ‘a little sadness or the blues’
  • Inability to perform normal self-care activities
  • Inability to function normally in her job or in school
  • Inability to take care of or relate to her existing children or function normally in her other relationships (i.e. with a spouse, partner, other family member or friends)
  • A desire to immediately get pregnant and ‘replace’ the baby that was aborted, even when all the circumstances that led her to ‘choose abortion’ the first time are still in place.

PASS problems could include short and/or long term problems with:

  • emotions, and dealing with emotional issues
  • struggles with depression
  • continued suicidal thoughts or attempts
  • anxiety and panic disorder
  • addictions of all kinds
  • difficulty sleeping and sleeping problems
  • disturbing dreams and/or nightmares
  • problems with phobias, or increase in severity of existing phobias
  • eating disorders
  • “replacement baby” syndrome
  • repeated unplanned pregnancies with additional abortions
  • repeated unplanned pregnancies carried to term
  • “atonement marriage”, where the woman marries the partner from the abortion, to help justify the abortion
  • trouble with relationships and dealing with partners
  • distress at the sight of other pregnant women, other people’s babies and children
  • inability to deal with or socialize with other pregnant women, other people’s babies and children
  • codependence and inability to make decisions easily
  • problems with severe and disproportionate anger
  • work and school problems (unable to function normally)
  • problems bonding with and caring for existing children or new babies
  • distress and problems with later pregnancy
  • added emotional issues and problems when dealing with future infertility or other physical complications resulting from the abortion.
  • unhealthy obsession with excelling at work or school, to justify the abortion

share the journey

At the end of our study our challenge to these women is to share their story.

At the beginning of the journey this would seem overwhelming and impossible.  But at this stage of the journey after they have gone through the fire and have not even the scent of smoke on them.  They are compelled and desire to share the hope and restoration they found.

I think that is why I do this.  I have a deep desire to share with others, let them know they are not alone.  We are out here and we have been where you are and have done what you did.  We are healed and restored.  There is hope.

I also think its important to talk about this subject because some don’t realize the holocaust that is happening right under our noses.  Each of our stories and how we got to this point are different.  But we are the same in our heartache and shame.  It’s not all about the child.  It’s about the men and women too.  They are left broken and incomplete with this choice that society said was easy and simple.  But it wasn’t.  It broke its promise to me and to a lot of others.

storm brewing

Today I thought I would switch gears a little bit and share something light.  🙂

I took this picture last night over my house and it was quite incredible.

It reminded me of a book I read as a young child called “James and the Giant Peach”.  There is this part where a rino comes out of the billowing clouds and takes away (kills) the young kids parents.  He is left alone and has to live with his evil Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker.  This cloud reminded me of that.

It is hard to describe, but it was really similar to thick smoke from a burning fire.  The colors were spectacular, and it was alive.  It was moving and building from within itself.  There were flashes of lightning and small peals of thunder.  Things like this remind me how small we truly are.