Monthly Archives: February 2012

lies we believe

It isn’t a simple procedure.  It isn’t just tissue.  It’s a hurt, a pain, a deep loss that we feel we are not worthy enough to grieve because we did this to ourselves.  We made the choice…so the wound festers and infects deep into our being spreading to our thoughts, actions, attitudes, and to those around us.

Children are born around us everyday.  If we had stayed the course we know what would have happened to the fetus in our womb.  It would have become our child.  This is a fact.  I don’t believe any human gave birth to a llama.  Sometimes I think we suffer in silence as a sort of punishment to ourselves.  It’s hard to release ourselves from the prison walls we built around us.  A fortress.  But we must if we are ever going to be healthy and be free.

Those that fight for abortions don’t know what they are fighting for.  Really.

If only they would take the time to talk to a post abortive woman.  They would see it in our eyes.  They would see a woman that hasn’t told a soul about their abortion.  A secret they planned on burying for the rest of their life.  When we hear the word abortion we glance around and wonder if anyone can tell.  Will I be found out?

We aren’t proud of our abortions.  We aren’t glad we were given this choice.

But this secret we try to push down comes bubbling back up.  We feel the pain at baby showers, when our nieces and nephews are born.  In a way we are jealous of pregnant women when we know we lost our chance.  Some feel guilt when having children after an abortion.

You don’t forget the one you left behind.

It’s a journey.  One that I had to learn to surrender my secret.  I had to forgive and allow God’s forgiveness to wash over me.  His work on the cross was sufficient for me and my abortion.  He set me free from my prison so that in Christ I can truly live.

EVERY life

Every life is beautiful and sacred.

When I say every life, I mean EVERY life.  Our prisons are full of felons, many who have committed heinous crimes.  There are those that have risen to power and committed murderous acts in the name of religion and race.


There are those who have chosen to put others above themselves.  Like a young girl that collected money to help those who don’t have clean drinking water.  People that use their time to mentor young boys and girls.  A man that was born with no arms or legs and lives his life to inspire others.  We all have something in common.

We were given a chance.

So when I think about the 54 million children that have been lost to abortion we can’t know what each of those children represent other than a life that never got a chance and a woman that was deeply wounded by her choice(s).

There are those that fight for a woman’s right and want to give her power over her body.   After you have your abortion they might let you cry on their shoulder, but eventually they tell you to get over it.  They minimize the pain and loss that can be felt years after an abortion.  Why did I suffer in silence?  Because at the core of my being, I knew what I did was wrong.  I knew it, but denied it.  This choice is not something you are proud of or want to admit to anyone.  So in the end it becomes a secret.

It wasn’t meant to be our decision to say this one can live and this one can’t.  I don’t know what each of the 54 million lives would have represented, but I do know that behind each of them was a woman.  These are the women I want to embrace and speak truth to.  I want to cry with them, share with them that I have been there and give them hope for their future.


This song resinated deep within me.  It is about a young couple that had an abortion and regretted that decision.  I am not the only one out there that has regretted an abortion.  There are many women and men that suffer in silence.  It is the same people that fight for abortion and a women’s right that also want to tell us to get over it, that it’s all in our head.

Lucy – Skillet

Hey Lucy, I remember your name
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
I’m in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away
I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say

Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her
I’d give up all the world to see
That little piece of Heaven looking back at me

Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her
I’ve gotta live with the choices I made
And I can’t live with myself today

Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday
They said it’d bring some closure to say your name
I know I’d do it all different if I had the chance
But all I got are these roses to give
And they can’t help me make amends

Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her
I’d give up all the world to see
That little piece of Heaven looking back at me

Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her
I’ve gotta live with the choices I made
And I can’t live with myself today

Here we are, now you’re in my arms
I never wanted anything so bad
Here we are for a brand new start
Living the life that we could’ve had

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Just another moment in your eyes
I’ll see you in another life in Heaven
Where we never say goodbye

Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her
I’d give up all the world to see
That little piece of Heaven looking back at me

Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her
I’ve gotta live with the choices I made
And I can’t live with myself today

Here we are, now you’re in my arms
Here we are for a brand new start
I got to live with the choices I’ve made
And I can’t live with myself today

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
I’ve got to live with the choices I’ve made
And I can’t live with myself today

Hey Lucy, I remember your name

truth of the week

I  want to start a new series called “truth of the week”.  I will try and post some sort of truth dealing with the facts or stats of abortion.

I hear a lot of people who are in favor of abortion and it’s usually because of the health of the mother, or in cases of rape.  So I thought I would start with these stats…

Reasons why women have abortions:

75% said their baby would interfere with their lives
66% said they couldn’t afford a child
50% didn’t want to be a mother at the time
4% had a doctor who said their health would worsen with a baby
1% had a fetal abnormality
1% were victims of rape or incest

I know when I first learned of these percentages, I was surprised by the low stats of rape/incest and also the mothers health.  When you look at the numbers that argument doesn’t stand up.

(stats from Alan Guttmacher Institute)


This week we dive into forgiveness.  Anger is something we need to express, but holding on to it can be dangerous and it leads to so many destructive behaviors.  We need to let it go.  We need to forgive.

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting
Forgiveness is NOT minimizing the hurt
Forgiveness is NOT reconciling

I love this quote, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.”  It is true that we hold grudges, and think we are punishing the people that have betrayed us.  But in the end it only hurts you and keeps you in bondage.

The person I thought I could never forgive was myself.  I couldn’t forgive myself for what I had done, who I had become, and for being so blind.  I finally realized I didn’t need to forgive myself, but to accept God’s forgiveness already there for me.  A free gift God handed to me when he sent his son to die on a cross so that I may live a life of freedom.

A great story in the bible is that of Joshua (Genesis 37-50) who was sold into slavery by his brothers, later thrown into prison, after that he became the second ruler of Egypt reporting to the Pharaoh.  Not knowing Joshua was still alive, his brothers traveled to Egypt in need of help because of the famine in the land.  Joshua helped to save his family.  Later Joshua told his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

I know God can and has used my abortion for His glory.  I am willing to speak my story to help someone make a choice for life or help someone that has been hurt by abortion.  It is out of this place of forgiveness that I can truly live.

abortion = murder?

What gives us the right to say when an unborn fetus is actually a person?  More importantly what do you do when you are the one that aborted this fetus or blob of tissue and you can’t help but to think about it as the child you murdered?

There are those that want to write legislature that tells me its ok to have an abortion that the thing that was inside of me is just a blob of tissues because I am young, single, in an abusive relationship, unhappy, unsure of myself.  But if I was happily married, in love, wanting to fill my arm with a big bundle of joy then it would eventually turn out to be a child.  Huh?

What about abortion survivors?  Can you tell them they were not a person? 

It’s easy to stand back from the 20,000 ft view and say, yep that is nothing but some cells, it has no brain, it can’t feel pain etc.  So lets get scientific:

You have to be at least 8-9 weeks pregnant to have an abortion.  So for the sake of argument lets say 65 days.  At 19 days the heart begins to beat.  At 42 days brain waves are detectable.  At 49 days the skeletal system is developed complete with fingers, toes, and ears.  At 56 days all organs are functioning.  How many people walking around you have these same qualities?

Lets get personal.

How can you tell me that when I had my abortion that it was nothing but a blob of tissue?  How can you tell me it wasn’t a child?  How do you think writing it down on a piece of paper somehow makes reality go away?  Because I feel the loss deep in my soul.  I know what I did cost the life of my child and probably future children because of the choices I made there after.  I was on the road to destruction not because I was happy about my decision, but because I was changed from my decision.

Guess what.  I’m not the only one.  Shocking.  43% of all women will have had at least one abortion by the time they are 45.  I am not saying all women end up feeling the way I do.  But I will say knowing as many post abortive women as I do that there is a lot of us out there that feel the loss of our CHILD.  We know what we did and we know we murdered our children and did so legally.  So they can put their fancy words on bills and they can make their laws that make it ok to do this.  But those of us who have made our choice know the truth.

notes from the sidewalk

I came across my journal I started when my sister and I did sidewalk counseling at our local abortion clinic.  This entry is one that still haunts and comforts me.  I can still see their faces.  It was the first time anyone had yelled at me or done anything to me.  I knew it happened, it just hadn’t happened to me.  But as I read the entry I realized that those words and actions of two girls overshadowed the real story.  The story of the young girl who chose life.

April 22, 2005
The words “Piss off Bitch”  still echo in my ears and the pang still remains that stabbed in my heart as the evil words rolled off her tongue.

Tonight I tried to have a positive attitude and try something a little different to draw these women toward us.  Asking them if they wanted information just didn’t seem to be working.  So we tried, “please take my information.”  But it didn’t seem to work either.  It didn’t work with the young girl the brought her mother and boyfriend as she flipped us off going into the clinic.  It didn’t work with the young lady who tortured me with her dark empty words.  Later the young girls mother and boyfriend walked out of the clinic and I blurted, “she needs you in there.”  But they got in their van and left the poor dear in there by herself.  I would be surprised if she was 16.

A young lady who refused our information earlier came out from the clinic and walked toward us.  She asked us what our information was about.  She unraveled her story that her friend was just getting an ultrasound.  We heard it all before so we nodded, but knowing what she was really there for.  She talked with us a while telling us how evil it was in there and would we mind if she talked with us out here.  She told us that her friend promised she wouldn’t get an abortion and that she didn’t agree with it.  She just wanted an ultrasound.

True to her word her friend walked out of the clinic and she went to meet her.  We ran to our car to get a baby gift bag we give to the women who choose life.  They came toward us with the ultrasound picture.  She was 4 1/2 months pregnant.  She was scared to tell her parents, but was keeping her baby.  We handed the gift bag to her friend and they went to the car to go home. 

We heart a loud squeal inside the car after her friend had given her the bag.  She came out and gave us both a hug – she said thank-you so much and said we were all very sweet.  It was a pleasant way to end the night and outweighed all that had happened earlier.  Praise God – He is so faithful!!

Our past is littered with good and bad experiences.  Learn what you can from the bad.  But choose to remember the good!